


Sing My Body Electric

by ladygray99



Series: Whitman [2]
Category: Numb3rs
Genre: BDSM, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-14
Updated: 2010-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-07 06:17:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/62258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladygray99/pseuds/ladygray99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With love comes danger both from without and within.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New Suit and All the Fun that comes with it

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings/Squicks: Violence, Violent Sex, BDSM, and people talking about their feelings.  
> Notes: The long feared sequel to The Modern Man I Sing. The second part of Whitman 'verse. Here there be dragons.  
> Beta(s):The wonderful riverotter1951 and ri_se tackled this fic.

AS Adam, early in the morning,  
Walking forth from the bower, refresh’d with sleep;  
Behold me where I pass—hear my voice—approach,  
Touch me—touch the palm of your hand to my Body as I pass;  
Be not afraid of my Body.  
_\- As Adam, Early in the Morning, Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman _

 

 

Charlie stretched in the early morning light. The alarm by the bed wouldn’t go off for another fifteen minutes. He ran a thumb gently over the bite mark on his shoulder and smiled. It was the only place Colby would come close to breaking the no blood rule. The teeth marks hadn’t disappeared in well over a year. ‘_One year, five months, two weeks, three days_.’ Neither man needed a psych degree to know Colby was marking his territory, reminding Charlie who the one person allowed to touch him was.

 Colby was still asleep. Charlie liked this, liked being able to spend the night, liked the Amendments to their Arrangement. The Amendments that allowed for kissing, and long weekends having slow, soft, lazy sex, with Colby still being able to give him what he needed when the numbers started to become too much.

 Charlie knew he should feel guilty about Amita, he’d have to deal with that soon. Maybe after he had a better idea about how long the Amendments to the Arrangement were going to last. He should also probably talk to Larry about it first. He’d talk to his dad or Don usually but that would require explaining things he didn’t think Don or his father were statistically likely be ok with.

 “Stop thinking.”

 Charlie turned his head to the sleepy voice. Colby had woken up. “How do you know I’m thinking?”

 “You think loudly, I can hear it.” Charlie didn’t answer, just stretched under the sheet reveling in the way his body felt. The slight ache of well worked and stretched muscles a pleasant reminder of the previous night.

 Colby wondered how Charlie ever got the reputation of being a klutz. It must be the clothes because naked the man moved like a dancer, damn near had the flexibility of one as well. “Are you coming in to the office today?”

 “Yeah, I need to present those findings to Don and that DEA crew.”

 Colby shook his head. “I still don’t know how you saw a pattern in all that mess.  I mean it was what thirty killings, forty busts?”

 “More data I have the easier it is to find a connection”

 “Well, I’m sure they’ll be impressed.”

 Charlie made a noncommittal hum. “I’m thinking of wearing one of my new suits today.” Charlie said.

 “You got a new suit?”

 “I found a gray hair last week.”

 “Awwww poor baby.” Charlie gave Colby a playful push.

 “Also Millie _suggested_ that it’s time I started to cultivate a more adult look.”

 “Just as long as you don’t cut your hair.”

 Charlie smiled. Charlie’s hair was Colby’s second favorite thing to get a good grip on. “I promise. Those deadbeats at DoD finally coughed up money for consulting work I did a year ago, so I took it as a sign or something.”

 “The great Professor Eppes believing in signs.” Colby teased.

 “Talk to my dad long enough and you’ll start believing in the second gunman on the grassy knoll.”

 “So you went shopping?”

 “Got Megan to take me shopping.”

 “Really? You gonna show up looking like some fed? ‘Cause that might kill your brother.”

 “You’ll just have to wait and see.” The alarm clock went off and Colby whacked it with little finesse.

 “Time to get up.”

 Charlie’s snaked his hand between Colby’s legs. “Feels like someone’s already up.”

 Colby groaned. “We so don’t have time.”

 “We do if we multitask.” Charlie gave a lecherous grin that went strait to Colby’s groin.

 “You have a dirty mind Professor Eppes.”

 “Well why don’t we get in the shower and see if we can scrub it clean.”

 Colby groaned into his pillow. “Ok. But only if I can see this new suit before anyone else.”

 “It’s a deal.”

 ~

 There was a text message on Colby’s phone.

 ‘FASHION PARADE, LOT B.’

 “Hey Don, I’ll be back in a sec.”

 _‘I have to go perve your brother._’

 In lot B he looked for Charlie’s Prius. It had a habit of standing out among the FBI sedans. When he found it he saw a young man leaning against it that he didn’t immediately recognize as Charlie. When he got closer he convinced himself that it was some parallel universe Charlie and he’d walked through one of Larry’s wormholes somehow.

 “Charlie?”

 “What do you think?”

 “Turn around.” Charlie made an attempt at a cat walk turn. “I think I’m going to have to kill Megan.” Charlie got a worried look and looked down at the clothes.

 “Why?”

 “Because you look like an accountant for an Indian crime family and I want to rip it off you with my teeth and fuck you into the asphalt.” Charlie smiled and Colby just looked him over.

 It was a serious departure from Charlie’s usual look. The maroon silk shirt had no collar but buttoned high up the neck and low down the cuffs. The tan jacket was long; nearly brushing his knees and didn’t have lapels but rather was cut strait down and open in the front like his Doctorate robes. The pants looked tailored and the shoes looked new.  Charlie must have blown a huge wad of cash on the outfit.

 “So I guess I shouldn’t tell you about the silk boxers should I?” Charlie said with a grin. Colby had to squeeze his eyes shut. He mentally recited the Army Field Manual section on the proper digging of a latrine until he though he could open his eyes without jumping Charlie in the parking lot.

 “You are evil. We’ve got a bunch of DEA weirdos cluttering up the office. Go wow them and get rid of them.”

 “Fine but you get to carry my bag.” Charlie handed over a laptop bag and a stack of files and headed towards the office. Colby watched as the long coat gave an extra fluidity of movement to his walk and was light enough to really show off his ass. Colby gritted his teeth.

 _‘Defiantly going to have to kill Megan.’ _

 The security at the door didn’t recognize Charlie right away and when he walked onto the floor within thirty seconds all chatter had stopped. Colby made a quick note of the number of women and men suddenly oggling his...well whatever Charlie was he was his. Charlie ignored the stares and headed straight for the war room.

 “Hey Charlie.” Megan greeted.

 “Hey...Charlie?” Don turned around from the person he was talking to and was caught up short.

 “Morning Don.” Charlie greeted cheerfully and began setting up his laptop.

 “Uh...Charlie?”

 “What?”

 “What’s with the threads?”

 Charlie rolled his eyes. “Can a man change his wardrobe a little and not have everyone act like he’s grown a second head?”

 Don looked his brother up and down. “You look like an accountant for an Indian crime family.”

 Colby sputtered into his coffee.

 “Do you want my results or not?”

 “No, please, the floor is yours.”

 Charlie brought up the beginning of his presentation and Colby watched as half the DEA agents openly oggled Charlie. You could always tell the DEA in a gathering of federal officers. They were like the weird kids in high school everyone avoided. Their hair was always too short or too long and their clothes were not exactly what was in style. They stuck out in the middle of the FBI office but of course they blended in nicely with the dealers and users they had to deal with. About ten minutes in Charlie went to the board and began to write. Colby watched as half the eyes in the room dropped to ass level. Colby was very impressed when Charlie actually used the eraser to erase something instead of his sleeve.

 “Does anyone have any questions?” Charlie asked still facing the board. A half dozen hands went up. Charlie looked over his shoulder and sighed. “From someone who was listening and not staring at my ass the last half hour?” Don choked on his coffee spilling some down his shirt, half the arms went down. “Yes?” Charlie pointed at one of the agents.

 “How do those two heroin busts factor in?” The agent asked.

 “Ah, good, now those were interesting.” And Charlie was off again for another twenty minutes. Finally he brought up five pictures. “You’re looking for two of these five men. Bring me more information and I can narrow it down more, or pick up all five and see who confesses first.” Charlie looked at his watch. “And I have another lecture to get to. And if anyone is interested, this Saturday, math for non mathematicians, introduction to fluid dynamics.”

 “He blows up shit in bathtubs.” Colby offered as a selling point.

 Charlie quickly packed up his laptop and the agents began to talk amongst themselves. “Oh, Don, call dad.”

 “Why?”

 “He found another half chewed koi. I think he wants to borrow your gun and take care of Mrs. David’s cat.”

 Don rolled his eyes. “Sure fine.”

 Charlie made his way back out through the office apparently unaware of the lecherous looks going his way though Colby swore he put a little more swish in his hips. The DEA unashamedly twisted around to watch Charlie walk out.

 “An ass like that can not be legal.” One said.

 “Dear god, tell me he’s single.” Another agent breathed.

 “Hey! That’s my baby brother you’re objectifying there.” Don objected.

 “He’s got a girl.” Megan said.

 “And a boy if you believe the rumors.” David added. Don shot Colby a quick hard look and Colby suddenly found his coffee fascinating.

 ~

 Colby opened his apartment door and heard the sounds of light jazz waft through the place. Colby took off his coat and gun and went looking for Charlie. He found him leaning in the open doorway of the bedroom, still in his new suit, looking like sex on toast. Beyond he could see some candles and dark blue sheets on the bed he knew weren’t his.

 Charlie stepped in close. “Welcome home.” he purred. Colby pulled his face in for a kiss.

 “Hi.” He said once the need for oxygen took over.

 “You were very good today.” Charlie said taking hold of Colby’s tie and leading him into the bedroom.

 “Was I?”

 “Yes you were. You didn’t shoot a single DEA agent for having wandering eyes.”

 “Well it was a day of self control. Didn’t shoot anyone, didn’t rip off that suit with my teeth.”

 “I know and that’s why you get a treat.”

 Colby couldn’t help the lecherous smile. “Really? I get to rip that suit off you now?”

 “No. But you get to watch me take it off.”

 “Almost as good.”

 “Plus there’s ice cream.”

 Colby looked to the bedside table and noticed a bowl of ice cream wedged into a bowl filled with ice. Colby grabbed the ice cream and sat on the bed with a bounce. The new sheets felt like air. Colby took a bite and almost died. Carmel swirl, the flavor of his happy place.

 Charlie started to strip. It wasn’t a traditional striptease. The jacket was carefully removed and set across a chair. The dozens of small buttons on the shirt were undone slowly showing first a little throat, then chest. When it was half open Charlie pulled it over his head with a bit of flourish. By the time Charlie had his pants off revealing silk boxers the same color as the new sheets Colby had nearly forgotten the ice cream. He stood up and went to Charlie. With a quick move the shorts were around Charlie’s ankles and his cock was in Colby’s mouth.

 Charlie let out a long groan. Colby knew he was still new at this but he figured enthusiasm counted for a lot. After a few minutes Charlie roughly pulled away, chest heaving and eyes dark.

 “You are in far too many clothes Agent Granger.”

 Colby smiled and stripped off the rest of his suit with far less care than Charlie had removed his own. When both men were fully naked they tumbled into the bed.

 “Do you like the sheets?” Charlie asked

 “God yes.”

 “Carbon microfibers. Ultra light, unstainable.”

 Colby grinned. “Wanna test that?”

 Charlie grinned back and kissed him. Colby loved this, feeling Charlie’s skin against his, fingers through hair, breath mingling with breath. Their hips rolled against each other creating a perfect friction. He felt Charlie’s hands roam across his back, chest, thighs, light touches contrasting hard kisses. Colby snaked his hand between their bodies wrapping his hand around as much of the two cocks as he could. Charlie’s hand joined his holding firm. Colby had been on the edge all day, his thrusts fell out of sync and Charlie raced to keep up. He shouted his orgasm into Charlie’s mouth, Charlie’s own hips giving final desperate jerks, the cum hot and sticky between them.

 Colby held Charlie as if he might vanish like an early morning dream. Later they would get up, have some dinner. Later still Charlie would get a look in his eyes and Colby would bend him over the bed, maybe take one of their newly acquired toys to his backside, fuck Charlie into the mattress until that look went away, but that was later. For now Colby was content to just hold him.

 ~

 Colby could not remember the last time he had been able to go out on a Thursday night. Normally Don was pushing until some ungodly hour going over whatever the case demanded. The spontaneous night off had resulted in a spontaneous dinner. Colby tucked into his steak while Charlie contemplated his parsley.

 “Let me guess. Fractal patterns?”

 “Close. Neuron branching.”

 Colby gave a shrug. “I feel sorry for the mind reader who ever tried to take you on.”

 “You know, mind reading could well be within the realm of mathematics.” Charlie joked.

 “So’s time travel but I don’t see a handy wormhole between here and the Texas School Book Depository.”

 Charlie gave a laugh “Larry’s working on it. Besides it’d have to be between here and the grassy knoll.”

 “Maybe two SWAT teams then.” It had become one of their games. Catch a wormhole in a jar, go back in time, who would you save, what would you do? Colby wanted to save both Kennedys’, Charlie wanted to know what words passed between Bohr and Heisenberg in Copenhagen. Colby wanted to see the first screening of Casablanca though he’d never admit it, Charlie wanted to step into Evariste Galios’ fatal duel and stop it.

 Charlie ate his parsley and started in on his own steak. Since it was a Thursday night they had managed to get a spot on the patio, if LA had stars they could have looked up and contemplated them.  Colby would have looked for constellations and Charlie could have recited the vast distances between them. 

 Colby wiped his mouth and stood up. “Be right back.” He made a head gesture towards the bathroom.

 

Charlie thought he had almost evened out the proportion of diced carrots to peas in his mixed vegetables when he heard a throat being cleared and looked up.

 “Amita?” Charlie looked around for Larry or Don. “Has something happened? What are you doing here? Sit down.” Amita stood her arms folded.

 “Where is she?”

 “Who? What?” Charlie knew he couldn’t lie well in this kind of situation. He had hoped he could put this off for longer.

 “Where is she? There’s another plate. You’ve bought new clothes, _fashionable_ clothes, and your dad is dropping hints about the amount of time we’re spending together, except we’re not and haven’t in months so who is she?” Charlie looked around in a panic. Other diners were beginning to look their way.

 “Amita, please, sit down, let’s talk.” Charlie begged.

 “Talk? You have _never_ wanted to talk.”

 “Amita, please.”

 

   
Colby made his way onto the patio. He recognized Amita right away, he also recognized the look of panic on Charlie’s face.

 ‘_Let’s play this cool.’_ Colby thought. He slid back into his chair. “Hey Amita. What’s up?” Amita looked at Colby then looked at Charlie who was looking around as if planning an escape.

 “Oh my god.” Amita said as realization slowly dawned. “Oh my god.”

 “Amita, please I can explain.”

 “No Charlie, you really can’t. All this time I thought I had the most patient boyfriend on the planet. Instead you don’t care about sex with me cause you’re off getting your arse buggered by your brother’s fed knuckle dragger!”

 “Amita!” Charlie exclaimed in shock.

 Colby knew he should take offense but the next words slipped too easily from his lips to resist. “What makes you think he’s the one getting buggered?” The weird looks from both Charlie and Amita were distinctly worth it Colby decided.

 “You know what?” Amita said. “It doesn’t matter ‘cause MIT has offered me another position and I’m taking it and I’ve already got a great letter of reference from Millie and I expect one from you ‘cause you owe me at least that much!” Amita stormed from the restaurant, Charlie stood up and looked at Colby.

 “Go on.” Charlie chased after Amita. Colby assured himself it wasn’t for romantic reasons, he just didn’t like seeing people hurt. Colby could see Amita’s car from the patio. He couldn’t hear the words that were exchanged when Charlie caught up but the crack of a hand across Charlie’s face nearly made him pull his gun. ‘_She touched him, she hurt him!’_ the primal beast raged in his head. Amita’s car pulled away and Charlie dragged himself back to the restaurant.

 “You ok?” Colby asked.

 Charlie nodded “Yeah. I knew it was coming but I wanted to figure out how to handle it better. But it’s ok, MIT will be good for her. She can find her own work.”

 “You’re writing her a letter of recommendation?”

 “Of course. She was a great research assistant, she’ll make a brilliant professor there, and I do owe her at least that much.”

 Colby reached out and put his hand over Charlie’s “You sure you’re ok?”

 “Yeah. I’ll cry for the loss of the idea of her later.”

 ‘_Later in a week or two when I darken you skin with an old belt and Traetta is playing louder than you can scream. Good thing the walls are thick and the neighbors are deaf._’ Colby thought with a touch of morose self loathing.

 A waiter approached the table with a good bottle of wine.

 “Compliments of the gentlemen at the other table.” The waiter said and gestured with his head to where two well appointed gentleman were enjoying their meal. Colby had originally pegged them for some corporate tycoons negotiating some million dollar merger. He looked down and saw that under the table just the toes of their shoes met despite plenty of leg room. Colby gave them a smile and a nod.

 “I think this is ‘welcome to the club.’”

 Charlie gave a laugh. “I guess there are worse clubs to be in.”

_   
_


	2. Colby and the Shrink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby gets shrunk.

Colby looked at his watch and flagged down Don.

 “Hey Don. I gotta go see the shrink.”

 “Again?”

 “Just a follow up. You know how it is, three shootings and they want to make sure you’re not going postal.”

 “Tell me about it. Who are you seeing?”

 “Bradford.”

 “Ah. Good guy. Hard ass.”

 “You know him?”

 “He’s been the one poking around my head for the last couple years.”

 “Brave man.”

 “Hey, he got Charlie on the couch for an hour.”

 “Really?”

 “Didn’t get much out of him but....”

 “Distance between zero and one.”

 “You’ve been hanging around Charlie too much.”

 ~

 Bradford scribbled a bit of nothing on his notepad.

 “So you think you’re handling the shooting all right?”

 “Yeah. I’m fine.”

 “You know what? I agree.”

 “Great.” Colby said and went to stand up.

 “Sit down.” Bradford said firmly. “You’ve been quiet, and you’ve requested the slot before lunch, which means you got a lot you want to say but for whatever reason you’re not saying it.”

 Colby shifted uncomfortably. “It’s...ah...it’s personal.”

 “That’s what counseling is for, working out the personal shit and still keeping it personal.”

 “It’s just, it doesn’t have anything to do with the job. I mean I love my job, I like my boss and coworkers, and catching bad guys, could do without the paperwork but...”

 “So you got something going on at home that’s twisting your head around?”

 “It’s nothing big. I mean it’s probably really generic.”

 “Well I can’t know unless you tell me.”

 Colby ran his hand through his hair a couple of times. “I...um...I met someone and for a year it was just a sporadic, physical thing and then about six, seven months ago it started to get more...um...romantic I guess, but I think I might be in love, but I don’t know how the other person feels ‘cause they’re not always really great with the emotional share thing, which is the pot calling the kettle black I know, but this is a little different from my two other sorta long term relationships, and I think I really have something real with this person, but they’re not my usual type and they’ve got some problems of their own and it’s all just a little confusing.”

 Bradford studied Colby. “I wonder if it’s something in the water.” he said softly. “So you came to California and fell for a guy and now you’re all confused?”

 Colby’s jaw dropped open. “How..?”

 “I’m a born and raised Californian son, you think I’ve never heard country boys play the adverb game before?”

 Colby blinked a few time. “Um...yeah...it’s a guy.”

 “And you’re having an identity crisis?”

 Colby thought about it. “Not really. It’s...uh...actually other stuff that’s weirding me out more.”

 “Well that’s good ‘cause I’ve already got a stack of those to deal with. So tell me about this guy.”

 Colby shrugged. “Um...He’s smart. I mean really smart, and sexy, and funny, and kinda weird, and he can be so scattered and yet so focused when he’s working on a problem, and his family’s great but they don’t know except his brother who nearly broke my jaw, and did I mention smart, and every time he walks into the office everyone looks at him and I just want to tear off those suits of him with my teeth and fuck him in front of everyone and write property of Colby Granger across his chest which I know is possibly possessive on an unhealthy level but I want to climb on the roof and just shout to the world that I think I’m in love with this smart sexy wonderful man and if everyone could stop oggling him for just five minutes while I work this out...”

 “Holy shit you’re in love with Charlie Eppes.” Bradford said suddenly. Colby froze his eye’s going wide. “Oh, I said that out loud didn’t I?” Colby nodded. Bradford let out a long breath. “Ok. Don’t talk for a moment.” Bradford got up pulled a piece of paper out of a file, signed it and handed it to Colby. “That piece of paper says you’re fine to use your discretion to shoot anyone you damn well please. Now this is me putting away my notepad.” He tossed it in a drawer. “And this is me going to lunch.” Bradford opened his office door and closed it again then sat back down across from Colby. “Now talk.”

 “About what?” Colby asked.

 “Look it, most of what I hear is ‘there’s too much stress’, ‘the boss doesn’t like me’, ‘my home life sucks’. Then your boyfriend goes and develops fashion sense and suddenly I have half the women complaining their husbands are dumb slobs and half the guys in a panic ‘cause they’re having dirty dreams about short mathematicians and are afraid that they’re about to break into show tunes. Now everyone knows Charlie’s got a girl or at least had one and rumor is that he’s got something on the side and it’s male and now I find out it’s _you_.” Colby dropped his head blushing a little. “Now I’ve talked with Charlie for one hour and didn’t get to scratch the surface of that boy’s problems but I seriously doubt whatever problems you’re having or things you may be feeling are coming solely from you. Psychology may be a one on one thing but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. So tell me what is it about you and Charlie that’s giving you the most problems and I’ll see if I can’t think of something to help the both of you.”

 Colby took a deep breath. “I can’t.”

 “Why not?”

 “They’re not...Charlie has...Charlie has secrets and they’re not mine to tell.”

 “But they’re weighing on you, they involve you.”

 Colby nodded. “I know. I’m just...I have a terror of someone finding out and I know it’s really Charlie’s terror but it’s become mine and...we’ve made promises...and I can’t let him…” Colby had begun to curl in on himself; he looked smaller, more vulnerable to Bradford, almost as if he was channeling Charlie. It was an odd thing to see from such a usually confident guy.

 “Colby, I can promise nothing you say will leave this room. There’s nothing being recorded, no notes are being taken. Even if it’s immoral or illegal at this point you need to feel free to say it probably just as much it needs to be dealt with.” Colby nodded.

 “Charlie...Charlie is ...um...he’s a masochist.”

 “Well that’s not a completely unusual thing.” Colby shook his head franticly.

 “No...no...you don’t get it...it’s not a sex thing...well sometimes but not really...that’s the low grade stuff. I mean. If I don’t...” Colby felt nausea form in his stomach as if he’d have to vomit out the words. “If I don’t ...he has me … beat him, at least once a month. Severely, he...If I don’t…he looses the ability to function, to think about things other than numbers and before...before this...he would let it go too long...he’d do terrible things to himself or get other people to do terrible things to him, and his doctor says it’s only _luck_ that he’s even still alive and _luck_ that no one knows and it’s not like he’s suicidal or anything, he just needs the pain to clear the numbers out of his head, but any ability for self preservation turns off when that need becomes too much and he just dangles himself over the abyss. I’m so afraid that if people find out they’ll take him away or drug him up and I’m so afraid that if we make this a real formal relationship and it goes bad then there will be no one he can trust not too go to far and he’ll go back to doing stupid, stupid things that could get him killed and I can’t handle the thought of that.”

 Bradford lend back in his chair. He’d been afraid that Charlie’s problem was, in a way, so much worse, he’d been half afraid words like pedophile or incest would come from Colby’s lips. Still Colby was shaking in his chair arms wrapped around himself like a frightened child.

 “Colby, it’s ok.” Colby had begun to rock back and forth a little. “Hey look at me a sec. That hurt coming out, I know, but I was expecting far worse. I’m not calling the men in white coats to haul you and Charlie away. Understand?” Colby gave a tight nod. “Ok. Now. Can you tell me how you found out about this? I take it he didn’t just walk up and tell you.”

 Colby shook his head. “No.” He said in a whisper.

 “Can you tell me?” Colby shook his head again, the memory of the smell of piss and spilled beer in that alley, assaulted him. He sucked air through his teeth trying not to smell what wasn’t even there. “Colby, I think you need to tell me. Just the memory is obviously hurting you.”

 Colby took a few deep gasps of air.

 “Colby.”

 “He was in the bar and acting weird all night.” Colby began slowly. “Twitching, and everyone had left but me and he starts to chat up this LAPD thug just out of the blue. I figure if he gets pounded Don’ll kill me, so I drag him out to the alley to yell at him and he comes at me, except he’s not really fighting, he just kept swinging at me and I kept knocking him down harder and harder and he was giggling, like it was a game. And he kept getting up for something like ten minutes and I was so mad ‘cause it was just so _stupid_ and I pinned him to the ground I said what is going on? He said…” Colby had closed his eyes, and was nearly whispering through clenched teeth.

 “What did he say?” Colby shook his head. “What did he say?” Bradford asked again.

 “Hurt me. Three times. Hurt me.”

 “Did you?” Colby gave a sharp nod. “Do I want to know how?” Colby gave an equally sharp shake of the head. “Ok. Afterwards, how did you feel?”

 “Sick. Dead. If he cried I would have eaten my gun.”

 “But there were no tears?”

 “He screamed into his hand. I can still hear it. But he when he looked at me it was just calm. Peace.” Colby had opened his eyes and was looking at his own hands. “He had glass in his hands. He held them up and the blood ran down and he smiled like it was the punch line to a joke.” Colby became silent studying his own palms.

 “Then what happened?”

 “I took him home, cleaned him up, made him tell me why? And I was so _mad_ that he’d sucked me into his warped head space and I’m still there.” Colby said a desperate crack to his voice. “I didn’t throw him out, or yell, or tell Don, or call the funny farm. I didn’t walk away.”

 “What did you do?”

 “I told him to come back.” Colby said with a half sob, half laugh. “I told him he was too important to be left in the hands of some stranger.”

 “And he came back?”

 “He came back and I gave him what he wanted, and after I told him he couldn’t hurt himself anymore, and he couldn’t go to other people, and he had to see a doctor, and no more blood, and I laid down all these rules and he calls it the Arrangement, and the whole time I’m screaming at myself ‘_what the hell are you doing, this isn’t you?_’ but it must be me, because every time he came over and said hurt me, said make the numbers go away, I would, I do.” Colby felt his stomach turn over he didn’t want to look up, see the disgust and judgment he was sure would be there.

 Bradford quietly cursed Charlie Eppes. The boy was playing some serious mind games with Agent Granger and Colby was playing into every move from the sounds of it. He let Colby sit quietly for a minute so he could pull his thoughts together.

 “So what changed, how’d it go from hurt me to I’m in love?”

 Colby took a few deep breaths. “Don. Don found out. He came by my apartment, nearly broke my jaw, pulled his gun.”

 “Really?”

 “Um…to Don’s credit he showed restraint. Really in the same situation I would have probably shot first and asked questions later.” Bradford made a mental note of that. “We had a long talk, I think he might have guessed that there was something wrong with Charlie but denial is an amazing thing. He…um… he told me that if I wasn’t getting anything out of it then it wasn’t really fair and I should at least get Charlie to take me out for coffee and I should get my own head together ‘cause if I didn’t then it was just the crazy leading the crazy.”

 “That’s actually good advice.”

 Colby nodded in agreement. He was on more stable footing talking about Don. “Don plays dumb the same way Charlie plays klutzy. You’ve never seen Don in the field. He’s a fucking genius. I would have killed to have him in Afghanistan, but put him in a room with Charlie and his IQ drops 20 points. With Charlie, god the man can move like a dancer, but around people, especially Don, he trips on things, bumps into people so when he takes a header down a hill and cracks three ribs no one will guess it was on purpose.”

 “So tell me about the last six months.”

 “They’ve been…nice. We…um…we go out when we can, Charlie spends the night sometimes. Not so much since Amita left ‘cause he doesn’t have a cover now and he’s not up for Don and Alan knowing. And I like him.” Colby took a deep breath. “I love him. He’s so full of light. He couldn’t blend into a room if he tried and when the numbers aren’t crushing him he takes so much joy in all of it, and his family is great and he’s so good with his students and I get to make him pancakes, which he doesn’t even like but eats them anyways ‘cause it’s the only thing I can cook, and once you get past the math we like a lot of the same stuff, music and movies and books that don’t have quantum theory in the title, and sometimes we go for long walks up in the hills, and the sex is mind blowing and when we have bad days we can just hold each other and I love him so much in those moments it hurts.”

 “It sounds nice.”

 “It is. It’s really, really nice. There’s just this one…splinter in him and I don’t know how it got there and I don’t know how to pull it out and I can’t pretend I don’t want it there some days because…oh god…the power he gives me over him. Complete surrender and it’s like electricity knowing that every sound and cry and touch is _mine_ and he’s so broken, and he’s so beautiful.” Colby could feel the tears on his face but didn’t move to wipe them away. He looked at Bradford hoping there’d be some simple answer looking back.

 Dr. Bradford closed his eyes and took a few breaths.

 “Ok. You’re going to hate to hear this but the first thing you _need_ to do is talk to Charlie. And I wish you luck.” Colby gave a chuckle for a half a breath. “You need to explain to him that you’re not always fully comfortable with certain aspects of your relationship and Don is right. He may be getting his jollies but it’s got to be both ways.”

 “You think he’s using me?” Colby asked.

 “I think he chose you.”

 “Chose me?”

 “Yes. I think his approach needs a little work, but he didn’t have to try to chat up that cop in front of you, didn’t have to come at you later, didn’t have to tell you why, didn’t have to go home with you, certainly didn’t have to come back. You laid down some fairly binding rules. He’s followed them?” Colby gave a nod. “When you wanted to make it more than physical he didn’t have to go along, he already had a girlfriend. Do you know how long he’s been engaging in self abusive activities?”

 Colby shook his head. “I’m not sure. Since he was a kid, six at least.” Bradford made a mental note of that. Masochistic tendencies at that age were, aside from being rare, not really connected with sex. That had to have come later.

 “So he’s had this secret most of his life and maybe he hit the point where he needed someone else to know, maybe he realized either on a conscious or unconscious level that he could no longer trust himself to keep himself safe, maybe he was just lonely with his secret and on some level he chose you to help him carry all that pain. Maybe he thinks you’re strong enough. Maybe he likes you.”

 Colby was quiet. He hadn’t though of it that way. He always assumed that Charlie would have gone after anyone there that night. Of course would anyone else have done what Colby did after?

 “Now admittedly his approach wasn’t exactly fair to you but you didn’t exactly say no either, and if you’re really in love well then you’re well and truly stuck.” Colby winced a little then gave a slight laugh.

 “What’s funny?”

 “I was just remembering, when I was a kid, before everything went really PC, I had this story book and there was one about Br’er Rabbit and he was punching the tar baby just getting more and more stuck.”

 “Are you afraid you’re going to get tossed head first into the briar patch?”

 Colby nodded “I’ve been there before and it sucks.”

 “We’ve all been there.” Bradford leaned across the table and actually patted Colby on the hand. “Charlie needs help, professional help, and for more than just this, truthfully though if this is something so totally ingrained in him even if a root cause can be found that splinter may not be coming out. So you need to ask yourself how much does this outweigh the good and happy times you’ve been having of late. How much of this is fear of Charlie’s darkness and how much of this is fear of something dark you see in yourself?”

 Colby winced again. He knew that was the real nail on the head. He was terrified of what Charlie was capable of doing to himself or letting other people do to him but he was just as terrified of the part in him that loved to fuck Charlie’s ass when it’s firry hot from the blows laid down by his own hand.

 “Ok.” Bradford said. “I think we’ve given each other enough to chew on for now.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Make an appointment to come back in a couple of weeks. Talk to Charlie. I don’t expect you to be able to make progress right away. Any speed faster than glacial and I’ll be impressed but if you can get him to agree to see someone I can recommend someone who’s understanding and discreet.”

 Colby nodded. “Thank you. I…thank you.”


	3. Taking Care, Body and Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby finds wants and needs.

Colby closed his door with as much of a slam as he could. ‘_Fucking NSA!’ _He thought ‘_My case, my work, my bust! God damn thieving bastards!’_ Colby thought as he stripped off his tie and guns. Charlie was waiting by the bedroom door, naked, on his knees, head bowed and breath coming so softly he could almost be asleep.

 Colby closed his eyes something twisting in him. “Charlie, please.” He tried to beg. He just wanted to get drunk, watch sports. Charlie didn’t move. “Charlie, come on.” He looked down. Charlie’s hands where on his thighs in loose fists. Colby saw a spot of red, a trickle of blood ran our from under one finger. Something in Colby snapped. It was the last straw of the day.

He yanked Charlie up by the hair and slammed his back to the wall.

“No!” He shouted. “You know better, it’s against the rules, you know better.” Charlie didn’t meet his eyes. Colby pushed Charlie into the bedroom. “It’s pain you want?” Colby hissed. “Out of control, out of your head? Fine!”

The first blow was across his thighs just above the knees where the skin was soft. Colby had yanked off the belt he’d had on that day. It wasn’t heavy but it was thin leaving raised patterns across the skin.

Charlie cried out with each blow, they came fast and hard nearly cutting the skin.

When Colby felt his arm get tired he stripped off the last of his clothes and dragged Charlie to the floor, the rough, utilitarian rug only adding a new level of pain to the fresh blows, dragging out fresh whimpers.

Charlie’s knees went over Colby’s shoulders.

“This is what you want.” Colby growled. There was no prep but spit and sweat. Charlie let out a scream but buried it in his own hand, his own erection never flagging. Colby thrust with no grace or care. Charlie came across his own belly but Colby continued eyes closed, head thrown back, striving for no release but his own.

When he came he collapsed on top of Charlie, his breath slowing and the red of his vision beginning to clear. Charlie looked up at him, clear eyed and soft smile.

“Feel better?” he asked.

“Hum?” Colby’s brain hadn’t quite started up again.

“You had a bad day. Feeling better?”

“Mmm yeah.” Colby brain suddenly caught up and he quickly pushed himself off Charlie. “What!?”

Charlie sat up and stretched languidly. “Saw you about to throttle that NSA guy. Figured you could use this.”

Colby jaw worked a few times his brain trying to process what Charlie had just said. “No!” he finally objected. “No. No. I don’t need this, it’s you and your thing and I...No!” Colby stood up and wrapped a discarded bath robe around him feeling strangely violated, yet he’d been the one doing the violating. Again. “I don’t need you to be a punching bag. I’m fine. I’m in control.”

“Not today you weren’t.” Charlie said softly sitting cross-legged on the floor. “They came in, took your case, your suspect, all your work down some black-ops hole.”

“That doesn’t mean I need to hurt you.”

“It’s not about pain Colby, not in here, not like this. It’s about control and surrender. You need power and control as much as I need release and surrender. Tonight the power _is_ the release.”

Colby was pacing about the room trying to analyze what had just happened. “But I wasn’t in control, I could have killed you!”

Charlie shook his head and smiled softly. “No Colby. I would have said stop.” That stopped Colby dead in his tracks.

“Charlie, you’ve never said stop in your life.”

“Before I would let it go too long and was always too out of my head to say it and with you I trust so when I’m out of my head I don’t need to worry, it lets me go deeper, fly further. But in this bedroom it’s a matter of want not need and I can say stop.”

“I don’t believe you. And how do you know I even would?”

Charlie stood, Colby could see where the belt had wrapped around Charlie’s body leaving marks on his front and side. Colby felt ill. ‘_I don’t need this, I don’t need this.’_ He chanted to himself.

“Take my wrist Colby.” He looked at Charlie. “Please. I just want to demonstrate a principle.” Charlie sounded so much like he was about to explain something mathematical that Colby took his wrist. “Squeeze.”

“What?”

“Squeeze like you were going to break it.”

“Charlie.”

“Just squeeze.” Charlie said sounding exasperated. Colby squeezed down on the wrist. “Harder.” Colby squeezed harder, he could see Charlie’s hand begin to turn colors and could feel the bones begin to bend. “Stop.” Charlie said quietly.

Colby’s hand flew open without a conscious thought, really before his brain had even properly registered the word. Colby looked at his hand and looked at Charlie.

“You’ve been waiting so long to hear me say stop, listened so hard for it, that you’ve burned a path into your brain. I say stop and you stop.” Colby was still a little in shock. Over a year and a half he’d waited for some sign that Charlie could show some self preservation. Colby gently put his arms around Charlie as he felt himself begin to shake. “It’s ok.” Charlie whispered “When you need to be a little out of your head I can stand guard, just like you do for me.”

“What if we’re both out of our heads?”

“Then I hope our better graces prevail.”

~

Charlie sat in his shorts as Doctor Goldman looked into his ears. This was part of the Arrangement, a full work up every six months with an understanding doctor. Charlie had no idea where Colby had found this guy, he had to be pushing seventy and he looked like he should be in some midwest country town making house calls. The first time they had come he had given Colby a long list of instructions on how to heal Charlie’s body before hurting it again. He had arranged for a full body MRI, and when it came time for the glass to be cut out of Charlie’s leg he had been willing to do it with a local and let Colby hold his hand through the entire thing, and at the end of almost three days of poking and prodding he’d informed Charlie that he’d seen worse and warned him to start watching his cholesterol now that he was over thirty.

“Deep breath.” Dr. Goldman said. “And out.” Dr. Goldman didn’t comment on the stripes across Charlie’s back. They weren’t open sores, raised or infected. He’d seen worse. “Very good Dr. Eppes.”

“Uh…” Charlie stuttered. “My name’s Emerson.”

Dr Goldman smiled. “My apologies professor. My eldest daughter is involved in cryptography and I noticed your picture in one of her journals last month. Didn’t understand two words of the article but she maintains you’re quite the genius.”

“Well...uh.” Charlie was in a bit of a panic.

“Oh don’t worry professor. 98% of my patients don’t give their real names and when it comes time to finance my lavish retirement in Fiji I have a dozen A-list celebrities to handle that.” The doctor half joked. Charlie had grown up in L.A. and always knew that celebrities could be a little weird but he was suddenly thinking which dozen were calling up Dr. Goldman in the middle of the night because something unusual got stuck somewhere it wasn’t meant to go. Charlie must have made a face because Dr. Goldman laughed. “No one you would suspect.” He said. That just made for even weirder images to float through Charlie’s mind. “And I believe I saw your partner on the evening news a couple of weeks ago.” Charlie winced.

“Yeah. They all kinda got in trouble for that. They’re supposed to keep off the news in case they need to go undercover or something.”

“Well Agent Granger did a good thing for the city so I hope he didn’t take too much flack.” Charlie just shrugged. It had been a bad case and Colby had actually come over to his house after the news report. They had sat in the garage for hours and Charlie had just held him.

“All right, shorts off.” Charlie sighed. He didn’t know why he was embarrassed but he always was. The only thing that made it worth it was that in a few minutes Colby would be going through the same thing. It was the quid pro quo clause in the Arrangement. Dr Goldman made a tisking sound. “Now those scabs look self inflicted and if I recall that is a big no in your situation.”

Charlie flushed a little. “Um…yeah. Colby was having a bad day about a week ago and uh...he wasn’t going to...um...let it out unless I pushed a couple of buttons.” Dr. Goldman gave Charlie a look that made him feel like he was six and had been caught rearranging Don’s baseball cards. “I cleaned my nails first.” Charlie said a need to defend his actions.

“Well they don’t look infected but if you’re planning on changing the nature of your Arrangement as your doctor I’d like to be kept informed.” Charlie nodded. “Now turn around.”

Charlie turned around and spread his legs. Normally this would be a happy position but under the circumstances he just tried to close his eyes and think of England or more accurately the square root of two. Dr. Goldman made another tisking sound.

“Lubrication Dr. Eppes. This should not be a difficult concept to remember for an intelligent man such as yourself.” Charlie felt himself blush. “Alright you can get dressed.” Charlie quickly pulled on his shorts while the doctor wrote in a file bearing the name Christian Emerson. “You know professor sooner or later you’re going to have to consider other means of entertaining yourself. Now you’re still reasonably young, you heal. At 40, 50, 70 you won’t. You’ll bump into a door knob and it’ll bruise for weeks.”

“I know. I’m working it.” Charlie lied. He couldn’t contemplate how he would find release from numbers in his old age if he couldn’t feel that spark of pain across his nervous system. Maybe something involving electricity. Charlie pulled his shirt over his head and Dr. Goldman opened the door and motioned Colby in.

Colby looked to Charlie first. _‘He knows our names.’_ Charlie mouthed hoping Colby could read lips a little. Colby’s eyes instantly went to Dr. Goldman and his hand moved towards his gun.

“Don’t worry Agent Granger. As I was telling Professor Eppes, 98% of my patients don’t give their real names. Haven’t in decades. Such is the nature of the practice and I’ve been looking after far more important people doing far stranger things than you two since before either of you were born.”

“Oh.” Was Colby’s simple reply.

“And can I just say that as a husband, father and grandfather of wonderful women thank you for getting that North End Rapist bastard off the streets.”

“Well it was a team effort.”

“I’m sure. Now strip down. Dr. Eppes you can wait in the hall.” Charlie gave Colby a quick kiss on the cheek and left the room. Colby striped down to his shorts but put his gun in easy reach.

Dr. Goldman turned around from filling out Charlie’s chart. “Oh dear. Agent Granger how did you manage that?” Colby looked down at the large bruise across his right ribs.

“I kind of got shot.”

“Oh my.” He leaned in for a closer look. “When?”

“About two days ago.”

“I’m assuming you were wearing your vest?”

“God bless Kevlar.”

“Any serious internal damage?”

“Nope, just a heck of a bruise. Looks worse than it feels.”

Dr. Goldman looked closely where the bullet had obviously impacted the vest. It was a dark purple blotch about the size of his thumb nail and the rest of the bruise was radiating out from that point. “Well you are very lucky. With your permission might I document it for comparative reference?” Colby gave the doctor a suspicious look. “I try to document any new form of injury I see and what caused it. It makes it easier to separate fun and game from something potentially more serious.”

“If people are shooting each other for fun and games I’d be worried.”

“You’d be surprised by the things I’ve seen Agent Granger.”

“I’m sure I would. Go ahead.”

Dr. Goldman pulled a good digital camera out of a drawer and proceeded to set it for close-up pictures.

“Unfortunately due to the nature of my practice I occasionally see the results of acts that were less than consensual. People seldom press charges out of fear or shame, but I always document to legal standards and was taking DNA samples in the 70’s.”

Colby’s ears pricked up. “Really?” A police minded doctor was a rare thing.

“Yes. Sad to say I have a whole fridge full of them.”

“Have you ever gone to the police?”

“I don’t have real addresses for half my patients and most are not willing to explain why they have my name to begin with. I keep track of the kinds of things I see. Most is the result of drunkenness or meanness or stupidity. Though truthfully I could have serial predators on ice in the back room but if no one will come forward and say ‘I was a victim’ there’s not much I can do.” Colby nodded understanding the doctor’s frustration. Dr. Goldman turned the camera around so Colby could see the pictures.

“Eww. It doesn’t look that bad in the mirror.”

“It never does. Now what kind of weapon was used?”

“.38 Beretta Special, of all the stupid things, from about 15 yards. No internal damage but the bullet went through a thick piece of wood first, slowed it down, would have broken ribs otherwise.” Dr. Goldman wrote the information down in a file named James Hoover.

“Very good. Now, open up and say ahh.”

~

The thing about Dr. Goldman’s office was it looked normal, and everyone in the waiting room looked normal, at least if you didn’t look to close. Ok the biker thug looked a little out of place but the Stepford wife standing next to him with her hand firmly on his shoulder could have come from just about anywhere.

Charlie and Colby were about to walk out the door when a woman walked in. Some people slide through life, others can make a grand entrance by opening a store front door. Colby almost missed the small man in tweed that followed behind her. What Colby didn’t miss was Charlie freezing up next to him.

“Charles.” The woman greeted with a warm smile.

“Hello Hanna.” Charlie stuttered out, blinking in surprise. Colby looked at the woman with suspicion. Only Larry called Charlie ‘Charles’ and he certainly didn’t put that much flair into it.

“It’s been a long time. Good to see you’re well?”

“Well as I’ve ever been.” Charlie replied with a quick smile.

The woman looked at Colby with almost as suspicious a look as he had given her. “And who is this?”

Colby held out his hand. “Colby Granger.” The hand shake he got was far stronger than he had expected and didn’t let go.

“Hanna Shapiro.”

“Um...I’m going to bring the car around.” Charlie said quickly and rushed out the door.

“It’s good to see Charlie is still alive.” Hanna said casually but with a hard look in her eyes. “I figured he was dead at the hands of some sadistic freak by now.”

Colby felt the grip tighten. A distinct threat was being made.

“Not if I have any say in it.” Colby replied. Hanna looked him up and down taking note of the clean cut looks, strong build, oh and the gun. Hanna gave a nod.

“Good.” She said and continued into the office.

Colby double timed his walk to catch up with Charlie.

Charlie was standing by the car looking a little embarrassed.

“So who was that?”

“Ah...Hanna Shapiro.”

“I got the name. What else?”

“She’s...ah...kinda a dominatrix.”

“Kinda a dominatrix?”

“Well she also has a doctorate and psychology and another in English lit.”

Colby nodded. That would actually have been a good combination for Charlie. She certainly would have had a better idea of what was going on in his head than Colby did some days. “You would go to her?” Colby asked not really needing the answer.

“Sometimes, when I could afford it, and she had time.”

“Expensive?”

“And exclusive. You need a masters’ degree just to get her email.”

“That shouldn’t have been a problem for you.”

Charlie shrugged. “Did she say anything?”

“Just that she’d been worried about you and there was a rather implied threat.”

Charlie winced. “I wasn’t...I wasn’t in great shape last time I saw her and...uh...I bought the house after that so there was a little more drain and scrutiny into my finances and I guess I never really called her.”

“Do you want to go back to her?” Colby asked not really wanting the answer. Once you got past the imposing presence she was a beautiful woman and with two Ph.Ds certainly had a brain pan closer to Charlie’s than his.

Charlie’s head shot up. “No. Why?”

“Well, just she’s a professional, and obviously smart.”

“So? I have you.” Charlie replied looking very confused.

Colby smiled. He’d been hoping for that answer but not necessarily expecting it. “Ok. No problem. Let’s get back to work.”

 

 


	4. Waking Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby's waking nightmare. And Don's and Larry's and Alan's…

Charlie was tapping away at the computer as fast as he could when he felt warm hands on his shoulders. He didn’t turn around. He didn’t need to.

 “I’m working on it.” Charlie said.

 “I know.” Colby replied. “Don’t worry. We’ve got two days before this guy strikes again.”

 “It could very well take that long to process everything. This guy is_ very_ good and _very_ smart.”

 “I have faith in you being smarter.” Colby whispered in Charlie’s ear.

 Charlie smiled, Colby’s hot breath sending a little shiver though him. “Faith is a subjective thing.”

 “Doesn’t make it not true, at least where you’re concerned.” Colby planed a kiss on top of Charlie’s head. “You bringing that to the office?”

 Charlie shook his head. “Not yet. I need another hour or two on it. You go ahead, tell Don I’m working on it.”

 “You just want me to play messenger boy.”

 “Only if I can see you in UPS shorts.”

 Colby gave a chuckle. “Maybe for your birthday, if you’re very good.”

 “Promises, promises.”

 “Give a call when you’re on your way.” Colby leaned around and gave Charlie a quick peck on the lips before heading out of the office.

 ~

 The team was gathered in the war room when Don’s phone rang. He looked at it then flipped it open.

 “Hello?”

 “Agent Eppes?” Came a voice from the other side.

 “Yes. Who’s this?”

 “Agent Eppes, you’ve been causing me lots of problems of late. So now I’m going to cause you to have problems.” Said the voice.

 “_Don! No! Don’t let him..!_” The sound of Charlie’s voice screaming from the background was quickly cut off as the line went dead. There was a beat of silence as everyone processed what they had just heard. Don tossed his phone to David. “Get that traced, Colby get me search and retrieval, Megan call Larry see if Charlie’s laptop has been taken and get it here. If this is our guy we need whatever Charlie was working on. Get forensics down to CalSci. I want _everybody_ on this!”

 It took mere minutes for every agency from Washington to LA to be put on notice. Charlie Eppes had been taken and the whole city was looking.

 Don paced around the war room. Colby was freakishly still. He had leaned into a corner and was barely breathing, trying to control the terror that was sparking every nerve. David and Megan stood in an opposite corner talking quietly. Everyone was waiting for the kidnapper to call back. This guy, if it was the same guy they’d been hunting for weeks, liked to taunt, liked to play games, according to Megan it was unlikely he’d kill Charlie right off.

 There was a knock at the conference room door. A trim man in a severe cut black suit stood there examining every occupant. “Agent Eppes?” The man said.

 “Yes?” Don jumped forward.

 The man took out an ID. “I’m Martin Sherwood, NSA. I’m Dr. Eppes’ handler.”

 “You’ve heard what’s happened?”

 “Of course and considering the work Dr. Eppes does for us it has been listed as a national security breach.”

 “What?” Don said not quite processing what he’d just heard. “I know Charlie does work for like everybody but...”

 “If an enemy of the state is in possession of Dr. Eppes at this time it is a _serious_ national security breach. Now who has him?”

 Don pointed to the case wall. “This guy, Leacroft, AKA Captain Crunch, old school hacker, turned bank robber, turned general nut job.”

 Sherwood nodded. “I’ll see what info we’ve got on him.”

 “That would have been nice to have six weeks ago.”

 “Agent Eppes, Charlie is a great asset to this country. Find me a location and in ten minutes I can make sure this Leacroft vanishes down a very deep dark NSA rabbit hole for a _very_ long time.” Colby sat up a bit. There was a serious threat in the NSA man’s voice. It very nearly sounded personal, and that was something they tried to beat out of their agents.

 Larry suddenly stumbled into the room. “Don!”

 “Larry, are you ok?”

 “I’m fine, any more word?”

 “No. Not yet.”

 “I’ve got Charles’ laptop off forensics, if he was far enough along in his equations I might be able to finish it.”

 Sherwood stepped forward. “I’m sorry, Martin Sherwood, NSA. I’ll have to confiscate that laptop, it may contain classified information.”

 Larry hugged the laptop and took a step back before rummaging into a pocket. He pulled out a nearly empty wallet and pulled from that a small card which he showed to the agent. “Is this high enough clearance?” Sherwood actually took a step back and looked flustered.

 “Of course...certainly...my apologies Dr. Fleinhardt.” The man actually bowed slightly in an involuntary dip. Don and Colby looked at each other. What kind of clearance did _Larry_ have that could fluster one of the Men in Black?

 Don’s phone rang. He quickly jammed it into the speaker cradle and answered it.

 “Hello.”

 “Hello, Agent Eppes.” An oily voice purred.

 “Leacroft, where’s Charlie?”

 “So you know my name. Congratulations.”

 “Where’s Charlie?”

 “He’s here.”

 “I want evidence he’s unharmed.”

 “Oh but he’s not unharmed.” The oily voice said. “Though I have to say someone’s beat me to most of it. Someone with a bit of a tooth fetish. You perhaps big brother?”

 “Listen you sick fuck put Charlie on the phone...”

 “You know perhaps I should add to his collection. It’s been a long time since I’ve had such a captive audience to my skills.” There was the sound of flesh hitting flesh and Charlie could be heard crying out. There was also a loud snap in the room that sounded like a gun shot. Everyone spun to the noise. Colby was red and shaking, he’d broken off the corner of the table in his hands and didn’t seem to notice. “Here Charlie, talk to your big brother.” Leacroft said.

 “Don, Don.” Charlie’s voice filled the room, the terror in it tangible. “Don’t let him...” there was a sharp sound and Charlie cried out again.

 “Charlie!” Colby yelled.

 “Colby?” Charlie whimpered.

 “P vs. NP, find the proof, in your head, deep as you can, we’re coming to get you.”

 “Oops.” Leacroft said. “Time’s up.” The line went dead.

 “How far did the trace go?” Don called out. An agent poked his head around the corner into the room and shook it. “Shit!” Don spun to Colby. “What the fuck was that Granger!?”

 “If he goes deep enough into the numbers he won’t feel what’s happening to him.” Colby said softly. He looked around the room. Megan and David we’re staring at him jaw’s hanging open. Larry looked puzzled then a light bulb went on and he quickly looked away. Sherwood just looked cold.

 “All right. Larry, set up that computer, Charlie’s tracking algorithm is still our best shot. Everyone else, hit the files, there has to be something we missed, everyone gets sloppy.”

 Larry pulled out the laptop and turned it on.

 “Ok, Charles. What were you doing and where did you put it?”

 ~

 Colby was trying to read a file when David and Megan wedged themselves into Colby’s small cubical.

 “How long Colby?” Megan asked. Colby didn’t bother to play dumb.

 “Almost 21 months.”

 David let out a low whistle. “And Don hasn’t tried to kill you yet?”

 “About nine months ago. Pulled his gun and everything.”

 “I don’t blame him. You like playing with fire don’t you?” Colby gave a sharp laugh that could almost be a sob.

 “You guys have got no idea just how hot this fire is.”

 “Don’t want to know.” David said.

 Megan shook her head. “At least when Amita asked me if there was another woman I was telling the truth.”

 “Could you two possibly go away and be productive.” Colby snapped “I’d like to get back the man I’m hopelessly in love with alive and in one piece.”

 David gave him a pat on the shoulder. “It’s ok man. We’ll find him and he’ll be fine.”

 “We might find him but he won’t be fine.”

 ~

 The hours crept by. Colby had given up on the file he’d read a dozen times before this went down. He just wanted to have Charlie back. He went looking for Don and Larry instead. Larry was pecking at Charlie’s laptop while Don and Sherwood hovered like black crows. Larry scribbled down a note and went back to typing.

 “Agent Sherwood.” Larry said, “Have you ever heard of an agent called Lorre a project called Aviary?” Larry’s tone was light and conversational but Agent Sherwood stiffened.

 “Only by reputation and rumor.” The agent replied.

 “Lorre was my handler back in the day. My we had fun at times. The Soviets were still a threat, their scientists were defecting right and left, and we were running around feeling like James bond. Well he was Bond, I was Q.” Sherwood actually took a step back.

 “What the hell kind of things were you doing Larry?” Don asked. Larry gave a slight smile.

 “We were trying to save the world Donald. Sometimes I wonder if we should have bothered.”

 The laptop gave an angry beep and Larry thumped the table.

 “What’s wrong?” Colby asked.

 “What’s wrong is that I am not a mathematician, I am a physicist. Charles does the worst of my math for me.”

 “Yeah but you know how Charlie’s brain works. You can work this out.” Don said.

 Larry looked to Don. “Donald, no one knows how Charles’ brain works. At his best there are possibly ten other people on earth who can truly understand the kind of math he does and at least two of those people are insane. Charles could give us an equation to calculate the very name of God and every time you drag him away to do some elementary calculus for you it’s another fleeting day of his genius wasted!” Don took a step forward with the full intent of throttling Larry. Sherwood put out an arm to block him.

 “Touch him and I have to arrest you as a security risk.”

 Don took a couple of deep breaths. “If you can’t finish the equation who can?” Don asked in a disturbingly level tone.

 “Possibly Amita.”

 “Can we get her on the phone?”

 “We can try.”

It didn’t take long before Charlie’s computer was attached to a secure data network and Amita could be heard on the other end of the phone shrieking at Don that Larry should have his hands broken for even thinking that he could finish the equation. Within ten minutes however she had made more progress than Larry who seemed more comfortable letting Amita just bounce the ideas off him. 

~  
The night crept on. Don put a hand on Colby’s shoulder.

 “Colby.”

 “Don’t tell me to go home Don.”

 “Wouldn’t expect you to. Try to find a chair and close your eyes for ten minutes.”

 “I’ll just have nightmares.”

 “Then wake up to another one, I know. Try anyways.”

 Colby was failing to sleep in the break room when Agent Sherwood came in and began rattling around for coffee. Colby took a closer look at the agent. The perfectly pressed suit was now slightly rumpled and the tie was half undone. The agent’s slick greased back hair was beginning to curl the same way Don’s did when it got too long.

 “Where do you guys keep the sugar?” Sherwood asked.

 “Tin under the sink.”

 Sherwood pulled a tin out from under the little office sink, in that he found a glass jar with a lid screwed on very tightly, in the bottom of the jar was a little sugar.

 “You guys don’t make it easy on yourself do you?”

 “Don’s doctor told him to cut back on the sugar.”

 “So you all have to suffer?”

 “Could be worse, his shrink wanted him to switch to decaf.”

 Sherwood winced and shook about half the remaining sugar into his coffee cup. He took a sip and sighed then looked at Colby.

 “So...um...you and Charlie?”

 ‘_Not Dr.__ Eppes. Interesting.’_ Colby thought.

 “Is this an official NSA line of question?” Colby asked. “Because I have fairly high clearance and Charlie’s never told me anything.”

 Sherwood shook his head. “No...no...just...ah...I take it you know about Charlie’s occasional...um...problem.” Colby blinked a few times.

 “Yes. We’re managing it.”

 “Good, good. I know Charlie can be...um... high maintenance at times.”

 “Is there something you want to tell me, Agent Sherwood?” Colby said, not in the mood to dance around.

 “I’m not sure what Charlie might have told you.”

 “About you? Nothing.”

 “Ah. It was just...um...it was just once. He was working on...something. A lot of demand to get it done. He...ah...he made a request of me and was very persuasive.”

 “He can be persuasive can’t he?”

 “Yes.” Sherwood dropped his head and blushed a little. “And...ah...he was appreciative, after.” Colby nodded. He hated hearing about other people Charlie may have been with but he doubted the agent was responsible for the more serious injuries Charlie had sustained. “But it was just once.” Sherwood said quickly noting Colby’s cold look. “And certainly nothing in his file about it.”

 “Well that wouldn’t have been good for either of you.”

 “No.”

 Colby looked at the agent who had walked in originally with such an intimidating, men in black, type presence. Colby realized he actually wasn’t much taller than Charlie and possibly a little younger than him as well.

 “You should have tried for more than once, should have protected him from himself, given him what he needs, you might have found something remarkable.”

 “I was too afraid.”

 “The terror is what lets you know it’s really happening.”

 Don poked his head into the break room. “We’ve got something.” Sherwood and Colby jumped up and followed Don into the command center. Numbers were flashing across the screen of Charlie’s laptop almost too fast to see. Then they stopped and a map of LA appeared with a small section highlighted in red.

 “That’s about three square blocks.” Colby said.

 “Light industrial, warehouses, and some urban loft conversion.” David added.

 “Ok.” Don said. “Let’s get people down there discreetly. Find where they’re hiding. Sherwood, can we borrow a black op team or two?”

 Sherwood gave a smile that made Colby shiver. “With my compliments.” He replied before flipping open a very thin black phone.

  ~

 Colby looked at the rescue team. Sherwood had made good on his promise. There was no agency identification on the black tactical gear worn by a group of men Colby didn’t recognize. The helicopter that had dropped them off had been painted stealth black. Behind them was every FBI Agent with tactical training in LA, LAPD SWAT, and even Charlie’s DEA groupies were there, checking over their own weapons. It wasn’t a rescue team, it was an army.

 “Gentleman.” Sherwood said to the team. “This is a rescue operation. Your target is Dr. Charles Eppes.” Sherwood held up Charlie’s file photo “Some of you here may know him. What he does for the FBI is elementary arithmetic compared to what he does for other branches of this government. He is of great value to us. His current physical or mental condition is unknown but we have reason to believe he is still alive and needs to stay that way. Use caution. If he dies due to stupidity not one of us will walk out with a job. Our information states that he may be held by up to twelve suspects, full armament is unknown. Taking prisoners is encouraged but not mandatory.”

 Colby shuddered at the tone in Sherwood’s voice. He almost felt sorry for Leacroft. Almost. He looked over at Don in light tactical gear. The man looked carved of ice he was so still. Colby checked his own gun one last time and prepared to go in.

 A door was kicked open just as the sun began to lighten the sky. Colby tried to block out the sounds of shouts and gunshots. He had one priority. The team spread out across the warehouse. More shots were fired.

 ‘_Target acquired. North East corner.’_ The call went over the radio. Colby broke into a dead run, Don and Sherwood half steps behind. They pushed through the door of a small internal office. Colby almost died. There was so much blood.

 “We need a medic!” He could vaguely hear Don scream over the radio. One of the ops team had pulled a knife and was slicing away rough hemp ropes, stained bright red with blood where they had cut deep into Charlie’s naked body. Thin knife marks ran down Charlie’s arms and legs. Blood had run across his face and had been left there to dry. As soon as the ropes were gone Colby bundled Charlie into his arms. He could feel Charlie shaking and hear teeth chattering behind split, swollen, lips.

 “I’m here Charlie. It’s ok. I’m here. I’m here.”

 “Colby?” He heard Charlie barely whisper.

 “I’m here, I’m here” Colby couldn’t seem to say anything else. David and Megan rushed in having heard the call. David quickly stripped off his windbreaker and draped it over the naked Charlie. Don stepped close and touched a hand gently to his baby brother’s bruised face.

 “Charlie.” He whispered as if a loud noise would shatter him.

 “Don.” Charlie replied just as softly but tried to reach out a weak hand.

 “We’re here, buddy. You’re safe, we’re here.” Don said taking Charlie’s hand in his.

 “P doesn’t equal NP.” Charlie said then began to shake harder.

 The medics rushed in and took over. Colby could not be persuaded to let go of Charlie however. Even when they put him on the stretcher to take him to the ambulance Colby kept one hand on Charlie’s curly hair. He only took his eyes off Charlie long enough to watch Leacroft get loaded into the back of an unmarked black van and decided to save the warm fuzzy feeling it gave him for later.


	5. Of Bedside Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of things that should have been said long ago.

 

Don paced the small waiting room. He knew other people wanted to be pacing but as senior agent he claimed that privilege. He knew he should be comforting his dad but he couldn’t sit still long enough. David, Megan and Larry had their heads together talking softly in a corner. Sherwood had managed to magically unrumple his suit and was sitting neatly in one of the hard plastic chairs poking at a PDA. Don was tempted to ring Colby but was fairly sure the agent wouldn’t answer. He’d forced his way into the ambulance with Charlie and hadn’t been seen since.

A tired looking doctor pushed open the glass door to the room.

“Eppes?” He asked.

“Yes?” Don and Alan said simultaneously.

“I need to speak to the family of Charles Eppes?” Don and Alan rushed forward with Sherwood right behind. “And you are?” The doctor asked the three men

“Brother.”

“Father.”

“NSA.” Were the responses he got. The doctor took a half step away from Sherwood.

“Yes. Good. Mr. Eppes is resting comfortably. He’s lost about two units of blood. He has bruises, abrasions and lacerations over the majority of his torso and limbs, about twenty five stitches were needed for the deeper ones.  He has a sprained wrist and ankle, some cigarette burns. No sign of broken bones, or recent violations but he has damaged his left kidney, it’s bruised but we don’t believe it’s ruptured.”

“We’ll he be ok?” Alan  asked quickly.

“We’ll want to keep him for a few days of observation. We’re giving him whole blood, fluids, and broad spectrum antibiotics. He does have a minor concussion and was hypothermic when brought in but honestly, for all that, I don’t believe there’s anything that won’t heal with a little time.”

Don felt a harsh sob rip its way from his lungs. “Can we see him?” He asked.

“Of course. Mr. Granger is with him right now but just a couple at a time, please. He’s been through a lot.”

“I’m oldest.” Alan said. “I go first.”

Don had a quick flash of what his Dad could walk into. “Uh…Dad there’s something you need to know.”

“Later.” Alan pushed past the doctor and out of the room.

Don turned and gave his team the thumbs up and watched as they all let out long held sighs. Larry closed his eyes and put his face in his hands.

~

The adrenalin and coffee had long since worn off. The nurses had let Colby lower one of the bed railings so he could perch next to Charlie. Charlie’s head was pillowed on his thigh as he gently ran his fingers through the curly black hair carefully avoiding the lump that was responsible for the concussion. Charlie was making soft humming noises deep in his throat, the same kind he made just before dozing off after a long day.

Colby heard the door to the room open and looked up. Alan Eppes walked in and froze. Colby realized that he hadn’t seen Charlie yet. He looked a hundred times better than he had in the warehouse, the dried blood now washed off his face, but to a father’s eyes it must look like the end of the world. A small voice in the back of his head pointed out that there may be other reasons for the elder Eppes apprehension. Oh well.

Colby gave Charlie a little nudge and he opened his eyes.

“Dad?” He said through still swollen lips. Alan rushed forward and gathered his son in his arms, tears freely flowing from his eyes.

“Charlie, Charlie.” He said.

“I’m ok, Dad.”

“Oh God.” Alan breathed. “Oh God.”

“I’m ok.”

Alan held Charlie for long minutes, the tears streaking down his face. He briefly pulled away and looked at Charlie from arm’s length. “Don’t ever, ever...”

“I promise I will never again let a sadistic nerd whack me over the head with my own book.” Alan gave a half chuckle through the tears and pulled Charlie to him again. “I’m telling my publisher, from now on strictly paperback; thin volumes.”

Colby gave a tired chuckle himself at the thought of that particular conversation. Alan looked up at him. Colby was too tired for shame or guilt or secrets. He looked right back.

“Is Don here?” Charlie asked.

“He’s here. So’s everyone else. They’re all waiting just outside the door. The doctor said just a couple people at a time.” Charlie gave a tired wave of his hand and shook his head.

“Help me sit up and just let everyone it.”

“Are you up for it?” Colby asked.

Charlie shook his head. “Better everyone see I’m alive and kicking than drag it out all morning. I think I need sleep.” Colby helped Charlie into a sitting position while Alan found the bed remote. Colby got off the bed but pulled a chair next to it so he could hold Charlie’s hand. He was finding it rather hard to be out of physical contact and really didn’t want to be.

Alan went to the door and ushered everyone in, Don and Larry leading the pack with Sherwood lurking in the rear.

“Hey,” Don said, gently brushing aside some curls from Charlie’s face. “They cleaned you up.”

“And gave me breakfast.” Charlie said lifting the hand with the I.V. tube running into it.

“Charles.” Larry said softly taking Charlie’s free hand. “I...” Larry stuttered unable to think of words to express everything he needed to say.

“It’s ok Larry.” Charlie said. “Feel bad for the Larry in another dimension who’s mourning, but be glad for us here.” Larry nodded and gently hugged Charlie holding him for a long moment.

“That’s pretty deep for someone concussed.” Don said.

“Concussion is good.” Charlie said. “Concussion means I don’t really remember...stuff.”

“When we found you, you said P doesn’t equal NP.”

Charlie blinked a few times. “Did I happen to say how I knew that?”

“No.”

Charlie let out a long breath. “Well...fuck.” A chuckle went around the room.

“It’s ok, Charles. You didn’t really want all that money anyways.”

Megan and David had moved up to the foot of the bed.

“Hey Charlie.” Megan said.

“Hey guys.” Charlie tried to smile. “Sorry about killing your weekend.”

“Not exactly your fault.” David said.

Charlie gave a shrug then looked around Megan and David and blinked a couple of times. “Martin?”

Agent Sherwood took a couple of steps towards the bed.

“Hello, Professor.”

“What are you doing here?”

Sherwood shrugged. “Your little adventure was a national security breach. Someone had to come to the rescue.”

“And they sent you?” Charlie said trying for sarcasm.

“Well you know how it is, budget cuts, weekends.” Sherwood joked. Charlie held out his hand and Sherwood stepped into the circle of family and friends around the bed.

“Thank you.” Charlie said softly.

Sherwood took the offered hand. “Don’t scare us like that again, Charlie.”

“I’ll try my best.” With that Charlie gave a jaw cracking yawn.

“Ok. Charlie.” Don said. “You get some sleep.”

“Thank you everyone.” Charlie said voice heavy with impending sleep. David and Megan each gave Charlie a pat on the shoulder and Larry gave him another hug before letting themselves out of the room.

Charlie’s eyes were already fluttering shut, Sherwood gently brushed the damp curls from Charlie’s forehead and gave him a gentle kiss there. Colby glanced at Alan and watched the poor man’s hopes for grandchildren shrivel and die.

“Be safe.” Sherwood said like it was a blessing then walked away.

“Come on Dad.” Don said. Charlie was breathing softly wrapped in sleep. “You need sleep too. So do I.”

Alan nodded but kept a hand on Charlie’s shoulder as if it was all that was holding him in this world. Colby felt his own eyes begin to flutter shut.

“Colby?” Colby felt his eyes snap open. Don and Alan were both looking at him. Don motioned with his head towards the door.

Colby shook his head. “No.”

Don nodded. “Ok.” He took Alan’s arms and steered him to the door. Alan took one more lingering look at his son then a quick look at Colby before letting the door shut behind him.

~

Colby heard the door to the room open and cursed slightly figuring it was another nurse. He squeezed his eyes tighter for a moment and tried to breath in Charlie’s scent, existing even under the hospital smells. Over the day he had managed to work his way onto the bed so he could spoon against Charlie and catch moments of sleep in between the poking and prodding of the doctors.

Colby finally opened his eyes and realized that it was Alan that had entered the room. The man was standing several feet from the bed just looking at them. Colby checked his watch. It was six in the evening. He carefully got off the bed trying not to wake the sleeping Charlie. Colby pulled on his shoes and approached Alan.

“The doctors have been coming in every couple of hours.” Colby said softly. “Waking him up, shining lights in his eyes, he’s a little cranky.”

“I see.” Was Alan’s only reply. He quietly took a seat next to Charlie’s bed and Colby took the other. Colby had a million things he wanted to say, wanted to explain, things he didn’t even have words for yet that Alan should know. The silence filled the room.

A doctor entered the room and flipped on the lights. Colby winced and Charlie tried to curl into a ball, eyes squeezed shut.

“Hello Professor Eppes. How are you doing?”

“I’d be doing a lot better if the lights were off and I could sleep.” Charlie snapped from under the blanket he’d pulled over his head.

“Now, now professor. Just one more check and you can have dinner.”

“Oh joy.” Was the sarcastic reply. The doctor pulled away the blanket from Charlie’s head leaving him blinking in the bright florescent lights.

Charlie grumbled through having lights shined in his eyes, the blood pressure cuff squeezed around an already bruised arm. When the doctor asked Charlie to squeeze his hand to test for nerve damage Charlie didn’t hold back. The doctor yanked his hand away.

“You’ve got a good grip professor.” The doctor said with forced cheer. Colby snickered knowing just how strong Charlie’s grip really was.

“Well all that chalk’s slippery, doctor. You’ve got to keep a tight hold on it.” Charlie replied with heavy sarcasm.

After several more minutes of sarcasm abuse directed at the doctor he left and Charlie collapsed back on the bed breathing hard.

“You ok, Charlie?” Alan asked.

Charlie nodded. “It’s just this bump on the head. Makes me tired, little hard to focus.”

“Well I brought you a couple of note pads and your Math Weekly came in today.” Alan placed them by the side of the bed. Charlie smiled.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“And Millie says they’ll do their best to cover your classes until you’re feeling better.”

Charlie let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes. “I’ll have to rewrite all of my exams because there’s no way they won’t be behind by the end of semester.”

“It’s ok, Charlie. Worry about that later. All you have to do right now is get yourself healed up.”

Charlie took his father’s hand. “Are you ok dad?” he asked.

“Of course.” Alan said brightly “Just worried about you, that’s all.”

“I’ll be fine.” Charlie made a face.

“What’s wrong?” Alan asked quickly.

“I just need to go to the bathroom.”

“I’ll get a nurse.”

“No. I can go like a regular person. I just need a hand up.” Both Alan and Colby went to help when Charlie froze again.

“What’s wrong?”

“Dad could you turn around please?”

“Charlie, I’ve see you in less than a hospital gown.”

‘_Not recently.’_ Colby thought.

“Dad, please.”

“I won’t be embarrassed.”

Charlie lowered his head and took a deep breath. “Dad, half the federal agents in LA got the joy of seeing me huddled naked in a pool of my own blood last night. As my _father_ you do not need to see the full aftermath of that. Please?” Charlie begged.

Alan went pale and slowly turned around.

“I’ve got you Charlie.” Colby said helping him swing his legs out of the bed. Once Charlie was standing Colby realized the full extent of what he hadn’t wanted Alan to see. The thick bandages crisscrossing his legs and back were stained with antiseptic and still seeping blood in some places, not to mention the livid bruises, the obvious result of punches and kicks to the back.

The shaky walk to the toilet seemed to take forever and was punctuated by curses every time Charlie put weight on his bandaged ankle. Charlie motioned for Colby to go in with him. He stood in front of the urinal and leaned back against Colby taking deep breaths, sweat beading on his forehead.

“Ok.” Charlie said softly to himself. “I can do this.” Charlie pulled aside his hospital gown, held himself, and started. Colby tried to call out at the sight of the dark brown stream that came out. Charlie slapped his free hand against Colby’s mouth while opening his own to scream silently until he was done.

Panting hard he took his hand away from Colby’s mouth and leaned against him. “Sorry.” Charlie said. “I knew that was going to hurt.”

“We need to tell the doctor.”

Charlie shook his head. “It’s just old blood. This isn’t the first time I’ve bruised a kidney or two.”

“Charlie.”

“I’m fine. Just take me back to bed.”

“If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.” Colby tried to joke. Charlie raised himself carefully on the toes of his uninjured leg and gave Colby a quick kiss on the cheek.

Charlie only made it half way back to his own bed before Colby got tired of the wincing and limping. With one quick scoop he had Charlie in his arms.

“Hey.” Charlie half protested. Alan turned around to see Charlie deposited in his bed and the blankets quickly pulled up to his chin. “I could have made it.” Charlie wined.

“Sure, if we had another month.”

“You ok, Charlie?” Alan asked.

“I’m fine. The ankle’s just giving me a little grief. It’s going to be murder on my basketball game.”

Charlie lifted the lid on the dinner tray that had arrived while he was in the bathroom. He quickly put it back down.

“You need to eat something, Charlie.” Alan said.

“Well when they serve food I’ll eat it.”

Alan lifted the lid. “Don’t be a food snob. You need to eat.”

“Not that I don’t.”

“Charlie.” Colby said with as much firmness as he could manage. “Eat your dinner.” Charlie picked up the fork and put a bite of something pretending to be mashed potatoes in his mouth. He swallowed and looked at Colby. “All of it.” Colby grabbed the little cup of Jell-o. “And I’m holding your Jell-o hostage ‘till you do.”

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

“Just eat.”

Charlie frowned and set to work on the dinner looking more like a small child than Colby cared to admit. When at least a few bites of everything had been managed Colby returned the Jell-o alive and unharmed.

There was a tap at the door and Don entered. “Hey guys, hey Charlie.”

“Hey, Don.”

“How are you feeling?” Don asked.

Charlie shrugged. “Colby held my Jell-O hostage.”

“Well I’m sure he had a good reason.” Don looked over at Colby. “Have you been here all day?”

“I’m alright.”

“That wasn’t the question I asked.” Colby just shrugged.

“He was here when I got here.” Alan ratted on him.

“Go home man.” Don said. Colby had worked his hand into Charlie’s again, having felt the loss of contact as Charlie ate.

“I’m ok.” Colby said automatically though his brain seemed to be quickly filling with fuzz and he wasn’t sure why. He felt Charlie touch his cheek.

“Colby, listen to me. Don’s right. You need to go home.”

“I can stay.”

Charlie nodded. “I know you can, and I’d like it if you did, but you need a shower and some food and a couple hours in your own bed.” Colby started to shake his head to object. “Hey.” Charlie picked up Colby’s hand and held it in front of his face. “That’s my blood still under your fingernails. Go home, take a shower, eat something in your fridge that isn’t covered in fuzz, lay down in your own bed for at least two hours and if you really, really can’t sleep come back. Ok? I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Shower, food, sleep.”

Colby nodded his head automatically. At the very mention of sleep his body had decided it was a great idea and made its opinion known. He picked up his jacket; kissed Charlie’s offered lips and walked out of the room. He thought he might have hit the edge of the door on the way out but for some reason he wasn’t sure.

 

Alan looked at Charlie then looked at the retreating back of Agent Granger, wincing as he banged into the door jam but didn’t seem to notice. He looked back at his Charlie who’s face was twisted with worry.  Charlie gestured his head in the direction of the door.

 “Go easy on him dad. He’s had a long few days too.”

 Alan nodded and quickly chased after Colby, hoping to catch him before the man was stupid enough to get behind the wheel of a car.

 ~

 Colby stood at the edge of the parking lot. He knew there was something he was supposed to be doing. He felt a tremor run through his body. He looked down and his hands were shaking. Alan put a gentle hand on Colby’s arm. Colby felt his whole body try to jump.

 “Colby?” Alan asked gently, taking a half step back. Colby felt a drop of water hit his hand. He looked up into the blue LA sky looking for the rain cloud. He felt another drop and looked around in confusion.

 “Alan?” He heard himself say. “What’s happening?”

 “Have you cried yet?”

 “No.”

 “Then that’s what’s happening.”

 Colby pressed his shaking hands to his eyes then felt his legs go out from under him. Colby sat hard on the curb and began to cry. He tried to fight back the bone jarring sobs but nothing seemed to control them. He felt Alan sit down next to him and felt a warm hand rest gently on his back.

 “I’m sorry Alan.” Colby choked out between sobs. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have been there. I’m sorry.”

 “No one saw this coming. It’s not your fault.” Colby wasn’t listening.

 “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He sobbed over and over.

 “Hey!” Alan grabbed Colby by the chin and wrenched his head around. “Look at me.” Colby tried to blink away the tears. “Charlie is in there alive and well. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

 “I’m sorry, Alan.” Colby said again. “I wanted to tell you. I so wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell everyone. It shouldn’t have been like this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

 Alan took a deep breath and patted Colby on the back. “It’s ok. We’ll talk about _that_ later when you’re more together.” Colby nodded still trying to blink away tears. “Now where are you parked?”

 Colby looked around and pointed to the Federal Building which could be seen over the tops of the trees in the distance.

 “There.” He said and got up and began to walk in the general direction not taking into account the several miles and freeway separating him and his car.

 “Oh no you don’t.” Alan said grabbing Colby’s arm and steering him in the other direction. “I’ll take you home and you can catch a cab back to your car in the morning.” Colby nodded dumbly and let himself be led. He always felt better when an Eppes was giving orders.

 Once in the car Colby struggled to keep his eyes open. Alan prodded him for directions to his apartment causing him to jerk awake, quick strings of terror lacing through him. They pulled up in front of the apartment and Colby sat there trying to work up the energy to actually open the door.

 “Colby.” Alan said softly. “What happened to the man who took Charlie? Don won’t say.”

 “Sherwood got a hold of him. There’s a good chance he’s in a dank hole on the other side of the planet without access to a lawyer or due process and really regretting the day he was born.”

 Alan gently rested his forehead on the steering wheel of the car.

 “Every one of my most deeply held beliefs tells me I shouldn’t be as glad about that as I am.” Alan said.

 “I know.” Colby finally opened his door and with the last of his energy propelled himself to his apartment.

 ‘_Shower, food, sleep, shower, food, sleep, shower, food, sleep.’ _

 The careful orders ran in his head. He dropped his jacket on the floor and sat down on the couch. A breath later his eyes fluttered shut.

 ~

 Colby’s eyes snapped open and quickly squeezed shut again rejecting the brightly lit living room. He cracked his eyes open and peaked at his watch. 2 am. He jumped up. How could he have slept that late, almost eight hours? He had promised Charlie he’d be back. He ran down the hall picking up his jacket when his stomach growled so hard he actually felt himself begin to double over.

 ‘_Shower, food, sleep.’ _

 He stumbled to the kitchen and retrieved an emergency TV dinner. He felt himself trying to fall asleep watching the dinner spin around the microwave. The ding of the microwave bolted him upright and the demands of his stomach kept him there. He didn’t trust himself to sit down again so quickly swallowed the food bent over the counter.

 The shower was the hardest part, the warm spray trying to lull his muscles back into rest. He found himself scrubbing frantically at the dark brown flakes under his nails watching as they clung to the bristles of the brush.

 The auto pilot of his brain got him dried, and dressed, and armed as if he were about to start a normal day. The pitch black of the night when he stepped out to meet the cab reminded him that it wasn’t a normal day. A quick cab ride and quicker drive and Colby was sneaking silently past a nurses station and into Charlie’s room. He gave his eyes a moment to adjust.

 Charlie breathed softly while Alan slightly snored in a nearby chair. Someone had put a blanket over Alan at some point in the night. Colby wanted nothing more than to crawl into the bed next to Charlie and hold him and sleep for another twelve hours. He carefully set a chair next to the bed and leaned his head down so it barely touched Charlie’s arm. He knew his neck would kill him in the morning but he didn’t care. His eyes fluttered shut again and he slept.

  ~

  Colby felt Charlie’s fingers ghost across his face. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know Charlie’s hands. Soft but dry the faint smell of chalk that no amount of washing would remove. He smiled and tilted his head so he could catch the tips of those fingers against his lips.

 “Hey there.” He heard Charlie whisper softly.

 “Hey.” Colby said back just as softly, sure Alan was still asleep.

 “You came back.”

 “I fell asleep on my couch. Didn’t wake up ‘till two.” Charlie’s fingers ran gently through his short hair.

 “It’s ok. You needed the sleep.”

 “Mmmm” Was all Colby said, pressing his head into Charlie’s fingers like a demanding cat.

 “Are you going into work today?”

 Colby nodded “Paperwork to do.”

 “Of course.”

 “I can bring it in here.” Charlie didn’t answer right away.

 “I talked to dad last night.” Colby’s brain woke up a little more. He twisted around so he could look at Charlie. “I wish you had told me. I figured you were happy flying under the radar.”

 “I am.” Colby said. “It’s ok. It’s still all so new. I didn’t want to push you into anything.”

 “It’s twenty one months, Colby.”

 “Or nine, depending where you start counting.”

 “That’s enough. I wish you had said something.”

 “Doesn’t matter now. I made a bit of a scene at the office.”

 “Sorry I missed it.” Charlie said with a sleepy chuckle.

 “Me too.”

 “When do you have to go in?”

 “Seven, eight.”

 “It’s only six now. Come hold me for an hour.”

   
Alan had kept his eyes closed and his breathing steady and shallow. He heard Charlie shift in his bed. There was the sound of a coat being removed along with some soft thuds and one much harder clunk. ‘_A gun’_ Alan though unhappily. The hospital bed creaked slightly under the weight of two. Alan heard the sound of a couple of soft kisses before two sets of breathing became slow with sleep. Alan opened his eyes to the darkness. His eyes quickly adjusted to the dim light that crept under the door of the room.

‘_Twenty one months!’_ he thought. ‘_Twenty one or nine months. What happened nine months ago? What happened twenty one months ago?’_ He looked over to the bed. Charlie had turned to face Agent Granger and was snuggled deeply into his chest while Granger’s arms were wrapped around him.

Alan studied the agent’s face. It seemed tense and drawn. Not bad looking, maybe a little central casting generic. Alan couldn’t believe it. Almost two years of encountering this man either through Don’s cases or an occasional group social thing and not one inkling that he had Charlie were... Alan couldn’t finish that thought. Not yet.

Colby’s eyes snapped open and locked with Alan’s. He held them there a long time, not even blinking.

 ‘_I’m sorry.’_ Colby finally mouthed silently, then closed his eyes and hugged Charlie even closer.

 


	6. Pain and Promises, Old and New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Promises just can't be kept.

 

 Colby had sat at his desk slowly compiling the paperwork for the week and trying to ignore the sideways glances he was getting from his fellow agents. After the first half hour of it he had wanted nothing more than to stand up and say ‘_Yes I’m fucking the boss’s brother and not a one of you have a right to be judgmental ‘cause I’ve seen every last one of you checking out his ass and you’re just jealous it’s mine!’_ Instead he had just buried himself deeper in the paperwork.

 A message popped up on his computer.

 _‘My office, Don.’_

Colby got up and approached Don’s office with trepidation. “You wanted to see me Don?”

 “Yeah. Come in.” Colby cast a quick glance over his shoulder. All eyes were on him. He quickly shut the door behind him. “Rumor mill giving your grief yet?” Don asked.

 “Just funny looks so far.”

 “Oh wait ‘till you hear the stuff I’ve been hearing.”

 Colby sat down in the offered chair. “Do I want to know?”

 “The girls are all telling tales of tragic unrequited love and passionate bed side confessions.” Colby gave a half chuckle.

 “What are the guys saying?”

 “Mainly that Charlie’s a sex fiend and you are the tragic victim of some sort of CalSci sexual brain washing experiment.” This time Colby did laugh.

 “You know I’ve wondered some days.”

 “They’re all waiting for me to take a swing at you.”

 “Can’t we tell them you already did?”

 “I think the masses want a show.”

 “Screw ‘em. Just as long as they don’t give Charlie problems.” Don nodded. He’d figured Colby or Charlie would slip up and it would all have come out sooner or later but it had been a little more dramatic and sudden than he had hoped for. He was sure Charlie wouldn’t have troubles at CalSci, the Bureau on the other hand wasn’t exactly liberal academia.

 “Have you seen him yet today?”

 “I was there this morning. I told him I’d try to get out early, just bring the paperwork over there.”

 “I haven’t been over yet. How’s he doing?”

 “Better. They were changing the bandages when I left and some nineteen year old nursing student was offering him a sponge bath.”

 “Well that should help his ego.”

 “I think he was more focused on the quantity of hair being yanked out with the bandages.”

 Don winced “Well it’s not like he can’t afford to lose some.”

 “True.”

 “Colby, do you know what was up with Sherwood? He nicked Leacroft but hasn’t been back for evidence and I don’t think he will.”

 Colby cringed a little. “He told me he and Charlie had a one night stand.”

 Don’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Well Charlie must have made a heck of an impression.”

 “Yeah. I got the feeling he really likes Charlie but chickened out in the end.”

 “I’m not surprised.”

 “Said Charlie was high maintenance.”

 “That I believe. He got you buying him diamonds yet?” Don asked.

Colby gave a snort. “On what I make?”

 “Fair enough. I’m breaking his ipod and laptop out of evidence and taking it over in a bit. You can grab some paperwork and come with.”

 “Thanks Don.”

 “Oh, try to look contrite when you go back out, like I told you off.” Colby hunched his shoulders and tried for a kicked puppy look. Don laughed. “Does that look work when you’re trying to get something from Charlie?”

 Colby smiled. “Where do you think I got it from?”

 ~

 Alan was leaning against the wall by Charlie’s room when Don and Colby strode up.

 “Hey dad. What’s up?”

 “Counselor’s talking with Charlie. Thought I’d give them some space”.

 “Counselor?” Colby questioned.

 “Yeah. Bureau arranged for a trauma counselor.” Don said “Was supposed to come by today.” Colby had a sinking feeling. Every time Colby had ever brought up the idea of counseling to Charlie he’d been completely frozen out. Having the Bureau send one uninvited could go in a good or bad direction.

 As if conjured by the very thought there was a clunk against the door and a flustered looking middle aged woman quickly hurried out. She gave hard looks to the three men then brushed past.

 Colby, Don and Alan pushed into the room.

 A kidney pan lay on the floor where it had bounced back after hitting the door. Charlie had his knees pulled up to his chest and was shaking.

 “Charlie?” Alan asked

 “Charlie, what happened?” Colby said.

 “Keep that woman away from me.” Charlie hissed through clenched teeth.

 “She’s just a trauma counselor Charlie.” Don said.

 “I don’t need a counselor, I don’t need a therapist or a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I’m fine.”

 “Look, Chuck you had an ordeal. She’s just trying to help.”

 “Keep her away. I’m not having her inside my head, I’m not taking drugs, I’m not getting hauled away.”

 “No one’s suggesting that Charlie, why would they?” Alan said.

 “Who tried?” Colby asked softly.

 “No one.”

 “Bullshit. Who tried?”

 “The last one I let in my head.” Charlie replied voice thick with bitterness

 “Bradford?” Don said very confused.

 “Who?” Colby asked. Charlie looked away. Colby gently turned Charlie’s head to face him “Who?”

 “Fucking shrink when I was twenty.” Charlie snapped at Colby “Went across state lines, didn’t give my real name. Told him everything I ever told you. He recommended immediate voluntary psychiatric admittance. When I said no he pointed out that I was a danger to myself and it didn’t have to be voluntary.”

 “What?” Alan exclaimed “Charlie, when were you ever a danger to yourself?” Charlie didn’t look away from Colby but gave his father a dismissive wave. Alan took a step back as if he’d been slapped.

 “She doesn’t need to know Charlie. It doesn’t have to be about that.” Colby said gently, Charlie’s fears suddenly making too much sense.

 “How can it not be? ‘You were tied up Mr. Eppes’” Charlie said in a weird falsetto. “Well it’s not like it’s the first time. ‘He cut you with a knife.’ Glad it wasn’t glass. That really stings. ‘You could have died Mr. Eppes.’ Been there, done that, got off on the endorphins!” Charlie finished with a shout, shaking with as much rage as fear.

 Colby gently took Charlie’s hands desperate to calm the wild look in his eyes.

 “That’s not you anymore, Charlie.”

 “As long as I’m doing the math it is and you know it.”

 “She just wants to help you get through this.”

 “I don’t want to get _through _it. I want to forget.” Charlie said yanking his hand away. “I want his sniveling voice out of my head,” Charlie roughly pulled the fresh bandages from his arms. “I want his fucking marks off my skin if I have to cut them away and lay down my own.”

  Colby roughly gripped Charlie’s wrists as he began to claw at his injuries.

 “That is not allowed.” He said slowly locking eyes with Charlie.

 “Then you’ll have to do it for me.” Charlie said just as levelly. Colby let go of Charlie’s wrists.

 “No.” He said, bile rising in his throat the same way it had that night in the alley.

 “He broke the rules.” Charlie hissed. “He touched me, he marked me. No one else you said so fix this, take it away!”

 “You’re hurt.”

 “I’m fine.” Charlie growled out.

 “I can’t.” Colby stuttered out. He’s eyes flicked over to Don and Alan. Alan looked angry and confused while Don looked like he was about to pull his gun again. He looked back to Charlie. “I’m sorry.”

 “We have an Arrangement.”

 “I’m sorry.”

 “You promised!”

 “I’m sorry.” Then Colby did what he had told himself to do almost two years ago. He ran.

 

 Don watched as Colby fled from the room. Charlie picked up his cup and flung it at the closing door showing far more strength than Don thought Charlie had.

 “What the hell is going on, Charlie?” Alan shouted. Charlie calmly picked up a pad and pen and began writing out equations.

 “Leave me alone dad.” Charlie said quietly.

 “I will not. What is going on?”

 “Dad, please. I have a lot of work and I’m very behind.”

 “You do not get to brush me away, I’m your father.”

 “Dad.” Don said taking his father’s arm. “Let’s get coffee.”

 “I don’t want coffee.” Don looked at Charlie nearly tearing the paper with his pen.

 “Let’s get coffee and come back later.” Don said in a way that he hoped made it clear it wasn’t a suggestion.

 Don dragged his father from the room and down to a private corner of the cafeteria.

 ‘_The best lies are 90% truths. Leave out the sex and this should be fine.’_ Don told himself being fairly sure of the conversation that was about to take place.

 He grabbed two cups of coffee and put one of them down in front of his father. Alan didn’t touch his.

 “Donald.” Alan said unfairly dragging out the full first name. “What exactly happened up stairs?”

 “Looked like a lovers’ quarrel to me.”

 Alan actually slammed his hand on the table causing Don to jump.

 “I want the truth Don. What do you know that you aren’t telling me?

 Don sighed ‘_So very much I’m never going to tell you.’ _Don thought. “You know how Charlie’s a klutz?”

 “Sure.”

 “Ever since he was a kid, tripped over lint, two left feet, spent more time falling off his bike than ridding it.”

 “Yes. What does that have to do with anything?”

 “Charlie’s not a klutz. He’s incredibly dexterous. It’s an act, it’s been an act so long he’d forgotten that’s what it was. When he trips over air, crashes down a hillside it’s on purpose.”

 Alan’s face twisted with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

 “Neither do I. There’s something wired wrong in his brain so he…I don’t know…punishes himself.”

 “No.” Alan shook his head. “No, I don’t believe you.”

 “Look, Dad. I pulled my gun on Granger when he told me. Loaded, safety off, I drew down on my own agent. But once you think about it…” Alan closed his eyes. “Look it. Charlie probably needs a month in a padded room and a drug store full of meds and he knows it. Look how he reacted to the very suggestion of help. He also knows it’ll lose him his security clearance.”

 “Big loss.” Alan groused.

 “Dad, Charlie getting kidnapped was a national security breach. The _President_ got briefed on it. That’s how high up he is. And that’s not the half of it. If he’s officially nuts any case he sat as expert witness on could be recalled, and how do you think CalSci would react, his standing among his peers?”

 “So what the hell does Agent Granger have to do with any of it?” Alan asked in a voice more cold than Don could ever remember.

 “Granger caught Charlie doing something stupid.”

 “What?”

 “I don’t know.” Don lied. “But he called Charlie on the act. He’s made Charlie promise to drop the act, to take care of himself. Somewhere it turned into something more.”

 “You’re defending him?”

 “I have never known what to do with Charlie since day one and neither have you, mom or anyone else really. Colby waltzed in and suddenly he’s out going, confident in things other than math, he’s more on time, more organized, well dressed…”

 “Gay.”

 “You can’t tell me that’s a surprise. When has Charlie ever looked at a girl that wasn’t shoved in his face and had an IQ of 180? And you can’t tell me that first year of fawning over Larry was anything other than a teenage crush.” Don watched his father made a face.

 “That doesn’t explain that fight.”

 “I don’t know, dad.” Don lied but had a strong suspicion as to what Charlie was asking of his lover. Without wanting to he had witnessed the after effects of what Charlie demanded of Colby. He had kneeled silently next to his sleeping brother that night cataloging every bruise and bite and welt and Charlie’s face sleeping with such peace. It had been burned into his brain. That kind of act had to go against every decent instinct Colby had. It was a wonder the man hadn’t shattered yet.

 “Don. You’re not..?”

 “I like girls, dad. And if I get drunk and stupid with the right one you still might get those grandkids you want.”

 “I’ll keep my fingers crossed.” Alan tried to take a sip of his coffee but his hands were shaking. “How could you not tell me?! My baby boy.”

 “What would you have wanted me to say dad!? ‘G_uess what I found out today, Charlie has a self abusive streak a mile wide and has hooked up with a guy who’s also a fed and I know how you love them, what’s for dinner?’”_

 “He hurts himself?”

 “Not anymore. For whatever reason, in whatever way, Colby’s holding that part of Charlie at bay and I’m surprised it hasn’t driven him nuts yet.”

 “He’s my baby boy Don.”

 “And he’s my baby brother. We wrap him in cotton to protect him from the world then demand he do great things and we’ve done it his whole life. We forgot to protect him from himself.”

 “Is that what we do now?” Alan asked. “Protect him from himself.”

 “No. That’s Colby’s job. He stepped up and volunteered, eyes wide open.”

 “Looks like he just quit.”

 ~

 Colby’s feet pounded the treadmill cranked up to the steepest incline. His legs burned and his eyes were squeezed shut against the sting of his own sweat. The mill beeped and began to lower and slow. Colby drew desperate breaths of air into starved lungs. He opened his eyes and saw Bradford standing in front of the mill turning it off.

 “A man who runs like that is running from something.” Colby was sure he had a witty reply ready but his body denied the request for enough energy to speak. He’s legs gave out and he hit the floor hard.

 “I heard what happened.” Bradford said. Colby’s head shot up.

 _‘How could he know? Who told him?’_

 “Damn glad we got Charlie back.”

 _‘The kidnapping. He’s talking about the kidnapping.’_

 Bradford handed Colby a bottle of water. Colby sucked it down gratefully.

 “Not too fast. You’ll make yourself sick.” Colby slowed down. “I hear you made quite a scene in the office” Colby gave a half hearted shrug. “You broke the corner off a two inch thick table.” Colby shrugged again. “This is going to be a stupid question but are you ok?”

 “No.” Colby managed to crook out.

 “Anything I can do to help?”

 Colby shook his head.

 “No.”

 “This is more than residual stress from the kidnapping I take it?”

 Colby raise his head. “I tried going home. The sheets still smell like us.”

 “Right. Well if there’s anything I can do to help you know where my office is.”

 Colby nodded. “Ok.”


	7. As God Made Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who was that and where is Charlie?

 Charlie felt like an idiot. The doctors had insisted he stick to loose t-shirts and shorts while he still needed the bandages. After three days most of the cuts had resolved themselves into long thin scabs that made him look like he’d been attacked by a paper shredder. Unfortunately, where the ropes had cut in, some spots were infected and almost all were still a little wet. The doctor said they’d probably all scar. Covered in white bandages he felt like _Revenge of the Mummy Goes to the Beach_. The cane the physiotherapist insisted on didn’t help the look. Plus there was the smell.

 The elevator dinged open on Don’s floor. Charlie took a deep breath and stepped back into the FBI. He was hardly more than a few steps in when he had the attention of the whole floor.

 _‘Well I always could make an entrance.’_

 Charlie walked as briskly as his ankle would let him towards the break room. It was 11am. Don would be pouring coffee. Various agents approached along the way giving smiles and words of welcome. Charlie did his best to remember to smile back. He knocked on the break room door getting Don’s attention as well as David’s and Megan’s.

 “Hey Don.”

 “Charlie! I thought you weren’t getting out ‘till tonight?”

Charlie shrugged.  “It’s amazing what carefully directed abuse and sarcasm can get you.”

 “That’s bad karma.” Don said with a shake of his finger.

 “I figure I’ve got some to burn. I’m here to break my notebooks out of evidence.”

 “Sure. They’re at my desk. Wait here.” Don hurried out and David handed Charlie a cup of coffee.

 “Oh. Thank you.”

 “You look like you could use it.”

 “It’s been days.”

 “How are you doing Charlie?” Megan asked

 Charlie thought about it. “Mainly I’m annoyed. I mean when you guys found me and I said P doesn’t equal NP how sure did I sound?” Megan and David looked at each other. “I mean did I sound like I’d _actually_ done the math or was it more was it more blood loss induced delirium?”

 “You were shaking pretty hard.” David said. “It was kind of hard to tell.”

 Charlie sighed. “Next time I have to remember to ask for a pen.” Charlie looked at the disturbed faces of David and Megan. “Joke guys.”

 “Not funny.” David said.

 Charlie shrugged “Got to laugh.”

 Don came back in and handed Charlie a couple of notepads. Charlie tried to shake off the fingerprint powder that covered them. “Am I going to find this stuff all over my office?”

 “Probably.” Charlie sighed and put the papers in his shoulder bag. “So anything interesting come up while I was out.”

 “Nothing we can’t handle.”

 “You sure? ‘Cause if we’ve got a case..?”

 “No...No...We’re good.”

 Charlie twisted his face into a scowl “I get it. One sadistic nerd and I can’t play in your sandbox anymore.”

 “Hay, Charlie, give yourself a bit of time.”

 “Haven’t you been listening to Larry? Time doesn’t exist.” Charlie spread his arms. “I am now as I ever was and ever will be.” Charlie looked at Don’s confused face, shook his head and headed back to the elevators. Before he could get there the doors opened and Colby stepped out. They stood face to face not saying anything. Charlie could feel every eye in the office bore into his back.

 “I was picking up my notes.” Charlie finally heard himself say.

 “Oh.” Colby said quietly. “Do you need a hand?” he asked.

 “I’ve got it.”

 Colby reached out and gently touched Charlie’s arm.

 “You look better.”

 Charlie looked down at where Colby was touching him.

 “You might not want to do that. I’m still bleeding.” 

 The elevator dinged open again and Charlie hurried past before anything more could be said.

 

 From the other side of the office Megan saw something in Colby’s eyes curl up and die. David turned to Megan.

 “Who was that, and what did he do with our Charlie?” Megan didn’t answer but really wanted to cry.

 ~

 Charlie looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. The shower had done a world of good. He had been able to smell the blood and sweat on himself even under the hospital smells of bleach and antiseptic. He turned examining his body allowing his vanity to cringe at the bald patches and thick red sores.

 _‘At least he liked my pretty face.’_ Charlie thought bitterly, the cut on his lip nearly gone already.

 He sat on the closed lid of the toilet and began to rebandage his arms, legs and chest dabbing on the prescription strength wound cream, bringing back the sickly smell of the hospital he’d tried so hard to clean off.

 Charlie managed to get his legs and chest done but his back and arms eluded him. 

 There was a knock at the bathroom door.

 “You ok in there, Charlie?” He heard his dad call out.

 “I’m fine.” He called back

 “Need a hand with anything?”

 Charlie looked at his arms in frustration. “I can’t reach my back to put on the fresh bandages.” Alan opened the door and Charlie quickly tied a towel around his waist.

 “What can I do?” Alan asked. Charlie leaned heavily on the bathroom counter.

 “If you could get my back and arms.” He nodded towards the bandages and wound cream. Alan took the cream and started dabbing it across Charlie’s back. When it hit a spot still half open and infected Charlie felt the white flash of pain. He hissed. It was too soon. He needed the numbers now. He needed the crushing oblivion.

 “I’m sorry.” Alan said hearing the hiss.

 “It’s ok. I’ve felt worse.” Charlie felt his dad run a thumb across an uninjured bit of skin

 “How did you get this scar Charlie?”

 _‘A guy called Frank who had a thing for dull knives.’_

 “Fell off my bike into a chain link fence.”

 “And this one?” Alan touched another spot.

 _‘Bar fight after my first Doctoral examination.’_

 “Slipped down a hill while hiking. You know me. Two left feet.” Charlie felt his father’s fingers ghost over the bite mark on his shoulder. Charlie quickly slapped his hand over the mark to hide it though it was pointless. It had been just the night before everything happened. Colby had fucked him almost savagely sinking his teeth into the tender flesh then flipped him over and sucked him off so slowly and tenderly it took almost an hour and left Charlie floating in that soft space between life and dreams.

 Charlie looked into the mirror. His own reflection seemed to be in shadow and his father’s face looked haunted and so very sad.

 “Dad, please?” Charlie wasn’t even sure what he was asking for.

 Alan lowered his eyes and quickly and efficiently finished dressing all the wounds before moving on to Charlie’s arms. Charlie turned around and held out both arms. He hoped his dad wouldn’t look past the fresh injuries. The slight scars around his wrists from struggling against a pair of cuffs many years before were usually hidden under a bit of hair but a lot of that was gone and they’d be hard to explain away.

 Alan carefully treated the rest of the wounds without meeting Charlie’s eyes. When Charlie once again felt like an extra from a mummy movie he looked at his father. He couldn’t help thinking that for the first time his father looked old.

 “I’m sorry dad.”

 “For what?”

 “I don’t know. For being me.”

 “No Charlie. Oh God no. You are my son. First. Never be sorry for who you are. Not to anyone. Especially not to me.” Charlie felt himself gently gathered into his father’s arms and began to cry.

   
 ~

 Two days later Charlie went back to CalSci. His students said nothing, only welcomed him back and complained about the extra homework. Colby stood outside of Bradford’s office but didn’t go in.

 ~

 Charlie buttoned the last button on his shirt right under his chin. He pulled on his jacket wincing as the fresh skin on his back and chest pulled a little. He looked into the mirror. The suit covered every sign of injury to his body, his lip had heeled without a mark and a lock of hair easily hid the cut at his hair line. He leaned carefully to the side to make sure he could put his full weight on his injured ankle without limping. It still hurt a bit but it was nothing he couldn’t ignore. He ran a comb over his hair one last time and tried to smile brightly at the reflection.

 “Good as new.” He said brightly to his reflection watching to see if a hint of pain or weakness became visible. There was a knock at the bathroom door.

 “Yeah?”

 “Just wondering if you’re going to be long?” Alan said from the other side.

 “No, just finishing up. Come on in.”

 Alan pushed open the door. “Hay. Where’d the beach bum go?”

 “Come on dad, that look is so out this season. I’m going to see Don.”

 “I think he’s working on a bank case.”

 “I know. I’m going to see if I can help out.” 

 “Are you sure you’re up for it?” Alan asked with a bit of a scowl.

 “Got to get back on the horse. Besides I’m not brain damaged.” Charlie said in what he hoped was a reassuring way. “I’ll see you tonight.” Charlie gave his father a quick kiss on the cheek.

 “Be careful.” Alan said.

 “I promise.”

   ~

  Charlie entered the office with long strides he hoped looked confident. He hoped no one would notice the slight limp, or chalk it up to the weight of his laptop bag. He knocked on the war room door and let himself in. The whole team was there including Don. Charlie leaned on the door frame taking the weight off his ankle but tried to just make it look cool.

 “Hey Charlie, come on in, what’s up?”

 “Just here to see if I can lend a hand.” Charlie gestured to the case boards.

 “No..no..we got it.”

 “Come on Don, carefully executed bank jobs with no discernable pattern to the targets. Professionally executed operations but strangely small amounts of money taken.” Charlie walked up to the map that had each bank marked with a little red dot. “I can tell you already that every bank is equal distance from two other banks except for this one up in Silverlake.”

 Everyone in the room looked at Don. Don looked at Charlie. Charlie knew Don wasn’t buying the nice suit and forced smile. He’d gotten too good at reading him of late. “I’ll tell dad you’re not sharing.” The room laughed. Don relented under the force of peers

 “Sure, fine, have fun.” 

 Megan quickly cleared a spot on a side table for Charlie’s laptop and began feeding him files. “Good to have you back Charlie.” Megan said. Charlie smiled up at her but it felt funny, like it wasn’t really his face smiling.

 “It’s good to be doing something productive.”

 Charlie quickly buried himself in the files. It became obvious that the thefts at each bank were somehow related to other ones in any given area. It was soothing, like a warm bath, the numbers flying from the files, twisting and connecting with each other.

 Charlie suddenly got the feeling that something had changed in his immediate vicinity. He looked around. There was a cup of coffee near his laptop but not so near that he would risk knocking it over. Charlie widened his view despite his fingers still flying over the keys. Also by his laptop was Colby, the rest of the room was empty. Charlie’s fingers halted, he looked up at Colby.

 “Don’t worry. Megan made the coffee.” he said.

 “Thank you. Where is everyone?”

 “Here and there.”

 “Oh.” Charlie took a sip of the coffee. It was perfect.

 “How have you been?” Colby asked.

 Charlie shrugged. “I continue, until I don’t.”

 “You should still be on the cane. That ankle still must hurt.”

 “I don’t mind.” The words came too smoothly to Charlie’s lips. Colby dropped his head.

 “I can’t, Charlie.”

 “I am as god made me.” Charlie said softly.

 “You don’t believe in god.”

 “Then I am as the math dictates.” Colby handed Charlie another file and left the room. Charlie opened the file and dived back into the math. 

 


	8. Say Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some words are harder to say than others.

 Colby sat down across from Don. Don pushed a piece of paper across the table to Colby.

 “Request for transfer denied.”

 “Don..?” Colby began to protest.

 “No. Shut up. I never said two words about you and Charlie because it never affected your work. If anything it got better. It’s been a month now and you’re both like ghosts. Charlie hides it better but you both just drift through your days, you do your work off muscle memory. I can’t use ghosts and neither can anyone else in the Bureau but at least here people can keep an eye on you and there’s a chance you might snap out of it. Now I don’t know if you broke Charlie or if Charlie broke you or if some part of both of you just up and died on that warehouse floor but this needs to be fixed.”

 “I can’t fix it Don.”

 “Have you tried?”

 “I can’t do it.”

 “If you can’t fix it then you need to make a clean break but one way or another, this has got to end.”

 “I think I love him, Don.”

 “That’s really not my problem. You trying to run yourself to death at the gym every night is, and yes everyone knows about that.”

 Colby put his head in his hands. “This is killing me.”

 “No it’s not.” Don let out a long breath. “You just wish it would. Give me your gun.”

 Colby’s head snapped up. “What?”

 “I’ve see that expression on my own damn face too many times. Give me your gun.” Colby pulled out his gun slowly and handed it over. “All of them. Colby pulled one out of his ankle holster and retrieved one from the small of his back. “It’s almost the end of the day. Go home.”

 “I’ve still got stuff...”

 “Go home. Go straight home and think about how you’re going to work this out then call Charlie and deal with it and if he doesn’t hear from you in three hours I’m sending him to your place anyways.”

 “Don.”

 “This has gone on long enough. I’m not going to lose you both.”

 Colby nodded and stood up, his legs feeling shaky. He picked up the rejected transfer request and walked out the door.

 ~

 Colby went home and didn’t call Charlie. He cleaned his apartment and didn’t call Charlie. He cleaned out his fridge. He didn’t call Charlie. Colby was standing in the middle of his living room floor contemplating rearranging the furniture when he heard a rattle at his door. His heart jumped into his throat and tried to squeeze off his air. It took only a moment for the door to open and close and for someone to walk down the hall. Charlie took a step into the living room and stopped.

 “Hi.” Charlie said.

 “Hi.”

 “Don sent me.”

 “I know.”

 “He told me he knows everything.”

 “He had a gun.”

 “You requested a transfer?” Colby shrugged. “I see.”

 Colby wasn’t sure what to say. “How have you been, Charlie?”

 Charlie shrugged “I’ve embraced the math. Every day I give it a little more.”

 “You’re not..?”

 “No. It’s not allowed, remember? So what can I do?”

 “I can...” Colby stuttered. “I can release you from the Arrangement.”

 Charlie hit the wall with his fist with such force Colby jumped. “I don’t want release. I want to be clean, I want him off me!” Charlie took a step forward. “You can do it. All you have to do is touch me and he gets further away until he’s statistically insignificant.”

 “I won’t hurt you. I won’t be like him. I won’t let you make me like that!”

 “I _need_ you to do this for me.”

 “What about me? I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to become this. You say hurt me, you say love me, you say jump I jump and all I want to hear you say is _stop_!”

 Charlie spread his arms wide. “I’ve stopped. I’ve stopped it all because you said so and all that’s in my head now is numbers and his voice and the sound of my own screams.”

 “I only ever wanted to fix you.” Colby said softly.

 “I can’t be _fixed_. I’m thirty years beyond fixing. You _saved_ me, every rule, every touch, every pain saves me. Can’t that be enough?”

“I won’t be like him.”

“If you were anything like him I wouldn’t be here you _idiot._” Charlie hissed out savagely. “You are _nothing_ like anyone else. Don’t you get that? No one else has ever done what you have done, no one else knows what you know, I may have asked you to love me but you didn’t give me any choice in the matter!” Colby searched for words. Charlie sounded like he might cry but his eyes were free of tears. Charlie lowered his head. “Bastard.” He uttered harshly then turned and walked away.

~

Colby knocked insistently on the door to Charlie’s house. When it finally opened Alan Eppes stood there with murder in his eyes. Colby bowed his head and tried to look small.

“Alan.”

“Agent Granger.” There was frost in his voice.

“Is Charlie here?”

“Yes.”

Colby knew he didn’t deserve the inch he wanted Alan to give him. “Can I see him?”

“I don’t know. He came in here using words I didn’t think he knew in reference to your name.”

Colby closed his eyes. “I screwed up Alan. I’m sorry. I need to try and make it better.”

“I’d save that ‘I’m sorry’ for Charlie.” Colby nodded. “I don’t know what you did but I recommend groveling.” Alan stepped aside from the doorway. “He’s in the garage. He’s working on P vs NP.” Colby ran before he completely lost Charlie, he slowed down only long enough to accept a dirty look from Don.

~

Charlie knew someone had entered the garage, he waited for the air flow to tell him who it was. Colby’s cologne and shampoo and gun oil swirled around him.

“I have no desire to speak to you at present.” Charlie said tersely.

“Charlie I’m sorry.” Colby said.

Charlie spun around. “If the words ‘lets be friends’ are about to come out of your mouth I will shove an eraser up your ass.”

“No. I just...” Colby stood dumbly almost as if he were unable to make a sound. Charlie threw a piece of chalk.

“Say something.” Charlie hissed.

Colby shook his head. “I lost the words.”

Charlie ground his teeth together and turned his back. He looked at the board. The equations seemed angry, imposing, he didn’t care, he wanted their offered oblivion, he wanted them to fill his mind, overwrite any feeling, any other thought.

 

Colby dropped his head. He saw Charlie’s shoulders relax, his hand flowing across the board. Long ago he’d dubbed this the math mediation but now he knew Charlie was running from him, drowning his anger in the math.

“Pleasepleasepleaseplease.” Colby heard the never ending word come from his lips. His head sank lower and he followed it down, his body taking the penance for his stubbornness. Knees to the floor, backside to heels, forehead to the floor, arms clasped behind back, fingers interlaced, elbows together. He felt his muscles burn, he tried to breath. ‘Please’ became ‘I’m sorry.’ He felt the laces of his shoes cut into the top of his feet. Years of chalk dust on the floor coated his lips, his tongue, his lungs, tasted of Charlie’s fingers.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry” Charlie had knelt like this for hours, the position of a prisoner in complete surrender. Colby felt something pop in his knee, his thighs burned. “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry.”

 

Charlie’s hand flew across the board, the clock in the hall ticked by the minutes. The chalk broke and fell, Charlie hung his head. He turned not seeing Colby at first, thought he had left, finally given up. His eyes wandered downwards.

“Get up.” The words sounded strangely hollow in his ears. Colby didn’t move. “Get up, you’ll hurt yourself.” He took a few steps, stood over the man who had so often stood over him “Get up. Please.” He could hear Colby now.

“I’msorryi’msorryi’msorry”

Charlie went easily to his knees, one fluid movement, once so well practiced. He put his hands on Colby’s head.

“Sit up. Please.”

Colby rolled his body back, took a deep breath, the denied lungs filling of their own accord. His eyes did not meet Charlie’s but were planted firmly on the floor.

“Colby?”

“I’m sorry.” He said “I’m sorry for my fear, I’m sorry for my denial, I’m sorry for my presumptions, I’m sorry for my stupidity.” He wanted to hold Charlie, to never again see wrath in the man’s eyes. He kept his hands behind his back, closed his eyes. He would take whatever was given.

“I’d wondered how long we could last, how long we could go letting ourselves feel. Perhaps we could go back to what it was before, slip through a worm hole, that night in the alley. Stop ourselves, keep our secrets, secret.”

Colby shook his head. “No, no wormholes, no backtracks. I want to go forward, I want to love you, and to keep loving you, I want to be the one on your skin, and in your heart, when you sing I want to believe it’s only for me and the angels. I only want you to shed tears under my hands when you need to and make you pancakes the morning after.” Colby finally raised his eyes and looked at Charlie. “I want to do whatever it takes to have your forgiveness.”

Charlie looked into Colby’s eyes. He saw equations, probabilities, numbers that spelled out the most statistical likely conclusion. He put his hands on Colby’s face, and felt the warmth. “You’re right, no going back, I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry, I was never fair to you, never should have done what I did to you that night. But I wanted you so much. I wanted you to be the one on my skin. I want to be in your heart, I want you to make my body sing just for you and no one else. I need you to forgive my own selfishness, and arrogance, and foolishness.” Colby gave a tight nod. Charlie pulled Colby’s arms around and held his hands. “No one else, past or future.”

“No one else, past or future.” Colby repeated. Charlie leaned in and kissed him.

~

“You watched this?” Bradford asked.

Don nodded his head. “There’s a place where if you stand on your toes you can peak into the garage.”

“You watched all of it?”

“I snuck away when they started kissing.”

“You probably shouldn’t have been there at all.”

Don sighed. “I know but Charlie’s my brother. Colby’s one of my best agents when he’s on his game. I couldn’t not know, couldn’t not be there for backup, you know, in case something went bad.”

“I understand, you need to protect your team and your brother and it was a dangerous situation for the both of them.”

“I...I tried to get in that position, that Colby was in, damn near dislocated my shoulder, my knee still feels funny, lasted about twenty seconds.”

“Why did you do that?”

Don shrugged “I wanted to know why. Why like that?”

“What did you find?”

“It’s completely vulnerable. You can’t uncurl yourself fast enough to protect yourself, can’t see what anyone is doing, can’t get a full lung of air. Charlie could have kicked him in the head, snapped his neck, he wouldn’t have stood a chance. And it _hurt_. He must have been like that for five minutes and I don’t believe he’s that much more flexible than me. I think he would have stayed like that forever, until Charlie forgave him, or made a clean cut.”

“But Charlie forgave him?”

“Yes.”

“Are you happy for them?” Don though about his answer. This is why he’d snuck in a lunch time appointment, he’d felt so damned confused all night.

“I’m jealous.” Don answered.

“Of which one?” Bradford asked with some trepidation.

“Not jealous in that way. I just...I just can’t think of a girl that’s been mad at me that I would trust not to kick me in the head in the same situation and I can’t think of a single girl I’d risk it for and certainly not a one who’d be on the other end.”

“Well maybe you haven’t found the right girl.”

Don gave a half laugh. “That’s the understatement of the decade.” Don looked at his hands for a moment contemplating his thoughts “What they said to each other wasn’t just forgiveness, it wasn’t you’re sorry, I’m sorry. It was a marriage. They were on their knees, making vows, with only me, god and the math as witnesses.”

“Do you think they see it that way?”

“No one else, past or future. That’s what they said. And the way they said it, it wasn’t let’s be exclusive, let’s give it a try, no one else, past or future.” Bradford let the words mill around in his head. From what he knew of the men involved it must have been a heck of a fight and no doubt sooner or later he’d get the details and hopefully this turn of events would be good for the both of them but first he had Don to think of.

“You want my advice Don?”

“That’s why I’m here.”

“Get a puppy.”

“Excuse me?” Don wasn’t sure if he heard right.

“Get a puppy, you’ll get unconditional love, it’ll make you stick to a better schedule in your life which will be a handy skill when you do find a woman, plus taking it for walks, puppy training classes, great opportunity to meet like minded women. Guy who’s good with a dog is probably good with kids, women will like that. And even if you don’t get a date at least you’ll have company.”

Don was fairly sure his eyebrows had melded with his ever creeping hairline. “A puppy?”

“For now Don, I think you’re ok. I think you’re a little lonely like damn near everyone else in this city. I think you’re a little jealous of Agent Granger ‘cause your baby brother’s going to go to him with some of his problems instead of you, and I think you’re a little jealous of Charlie ‘cause he’s found someone willing to put up with all his shit and you haven’t.” Don laughed knowing Bradford was probably right. “You’ll be fine Don. You dash around this city like a knight in shining armor protecting us from evil, sooner or latter you’re bound to run into someone who’ll swoon at your feet and tie your shoelaces together while she’s down there.”

Don nodded. “Ok. That works. A puppy?”

“Buy lots of newspaper.”

~

Colby had been fidgeting all day and not because it was Friday. He and Charlie had done nothing more than kiss in his garage, there was still too much to do and too much to say. Charlie would be at his place tonight. David looked at Colby as he glanced at his watch for the fifth time in ten minutes.

“What’s the matter? You got a hot weekend or something?” David joked.

“Why? You want details?” Colby retaliated.

David put his hands in the air. “Not my bag.”

“You sure, ‘cause I can draw you diagrams?”

“Yep I’m sure.” David retread back to his desk. It wasn’t that Colby hadn’t handled a lot of ribbing and a couple of looks in the last month it was just that he couldn’t handle it today.

Don came out of his office. “Ok people. We’re not going to get anything more tonight. Go home. Take the files with you. Call if you find anything that you missed before.” Agents started packing their bags. Don got Colby’s attention and motioned him over.

“Yes Don?”

Don lowered his voice. “Send him home in tears and rage again and I will end you.”

“It won’t happen.”

“Good. You’re also booked in for a long talk with my father, very soon.” Colby nodded. That was not a talk he was looking forward to. “Go home.” Colby nodded again and practically ran from the building. Part of him wasn’t eager to get home. He had an idea of what was waiting. For all the soft kisses and gentle touches there was something Charlie still needed, something hardwired into him, something he’d been denied, something Colby had to provide.

Colby unlocked his door. He was half expecting music. He wandered into the living room.

All the furniture, what little there was, had been pushed aside. Even the stereo had been unplugged and moved, the room looked barren. Charlie stood in the middle, naked, eyes beginning to shine but in control. It would be a toss up as to whether or not he could say stop tonight. He held the belt in his hands.

“Get undressed.” He said to Colby. Colby didn’t question. He striped his clothes quickly, he wondered as to the picture they made, naked like this. Colby could feel himself already breathing hard.

Charlie held out the belt. “Every inch of me. Erase what is past, until you know it and I know it.” Colby took the belt he hadn’t actually worn in well over a year. It felt oddly heavy in his hand. Charlie turned around and stood spread eagle in the room. Colby could see the still slightly pink flesh where that bastard’s ropes had cut into him. Colby raised his arm and struck there first.

The blows fast became rhythmic, hypnotic, each one providing the only sound in the room. Charlie made not a sound, his breath steady, becoming calm and slow. Halfway through Colby thought he heard a sob, he looked at Charlie’s face and saw only serenity, he realized the sound must have come from his own throat but kept going.

Colby laid a final blow that whipped around Charlie’s wrist leaving it angry red like the rest of his body. Charlie didn’t move, didn’t flinch, and had held his arms in that impossible position for nearly an hour. Colby dropped the belt and took a breath as if the room had been deprived of oxygen until that moment. Charlie opened his eyes. Colby envied the look he saw there. They were the look of eyes completely at peace. Charlie reached out his arms and gathered Colby into them. Both men collapsed to the floor.

“Thank you, love.” Charlie whispered in Colby’s ear. Colby could feel the heat pour off of Charlie’s skin. He hoped it would burn him in some way. Colby took another deep breath. Later he would carry Charlie to bed, in the morning they would make love, in the morning he would ask Charlie to be inside him for the first time, in the morning only half the pancakes would be burnt, in the morning they would have a long talk, but that was all in the morning. For now Colby just wanted to hold Charlie and be held by him.

~

“It’s been a while, how are you?” Bradford asked.

“I’m good.” Colby replied.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Things were rough for a bit there but they’re better.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

Colby shook his head. “No. I’m very sure about a few things now. I guess I’ve just had a shock to the system. Still feeling a little brittle at times.”

“So things are good between you and Charlie?”

“Yeah. We...um...we actually talked.”

“That is good.” Colby nodded and absently rubbed the ring on his right hand. “And picked up some new jewelry I see.”

Colby looked down at his hand. “Just this weekend. It took a while to find one that didn’t interfere with my shooting grip too much. Still had to spend a couple of days on the range.” Colby slipped off the plain gold band and turned it around in his fingers a few times before handing it to Bradford to look at. Bradford looked at the inside and wasn’t surprised to see an equation engraved there.

“What does the equation mean?”

“Charlie says it’s the start of a long proof that states in certain multidimensional high end math that one plus one is actually greater than two.”

“Sum is greater than its parts.”

“Basically.” Bradford handed the ring back and Colby slipped it on his finger.

“What does it say in Charlie’s ring?”

“As Souls only understand Souls.”

“Poetic.”

“Whitman.”

“Does it feel natural?”

“Yes.” Colby slipped it back off his finger and on to his left hand. “It feels more natural here.  But were not there yet.”

“That’s still a sign of some serious commitment.”

“We’re not moving in quite yet, we’re still a little too attached to our own space, but we don’t spend nights apart anymore. Had a long talk with Alan.”

“And how’d that go?”

Colby shifted uncomfortably. “You know, for a man who claims to be a pacifist he can go to some really dark places. I mean Don just threatened to end me. I can handle that, it’s to be expected. Alan kept mentioning cheese graters.” Bradford quickly crossed his legs in sympathetic fear. “And band saws and the feeding habits of koi.”

“So if you vanish we need to dredge the Eppes koi pond?”

“I think Alan and I have had a basic meeting of minds. I think.”

“Well getting along with the in-laws is always good.” Colby nodded but kept looking at his hands. “So what’s got your head twisted around today?”

“Charlie’s agreed to see a psychiatrist. His doctor recommended someone who would be discreet.”

Bradford blinked a few times in surprise. “Well that’s good news.”

“He’ll go, as long as I go with him.”

“Ah.”

Colby closed his eyes. “And I am terrified.”

“Do you know why?”

Colby nodded. “Oh yes. I’m terrified that...I know that Charlie has had bad things done to him...He doesn’t consider himself a victim because he more or less consented to a lot of it. I’m terrified I’m going to find out about things that weren’t consensual or things when he was under age and I know I’m going to hate myself that I wasn’t there to stop it and if I find out names, well I might have to hunt down some people and kill them.”

“I’m going to note down that you meant that as a joke.” Colby shrugged “Colby let me ask you a question. Are you happy?”

Colby didn’t answer right away. He actually thought about it, thought about the last month, getting to hold Charlie in his arms every night, Alan’s slow grudging forgiveness, the ribbing from other agents becoming acceptance. “Yes.” He finally answered.

“Good. Keep that feeling and you’ll make it through whatever darkness gets dredged up. The past hurts but the past is the past.”

“Only if you accept the theory that time and space is linear.”

“You two must have the weirdest pillow talk.”

Colby laughed. “You have no idea.”

“Keep that laughter. You’ll be fine, and I’m always here.”

“Ok.” Colby nodded and took a deep breath. “Ok.”

“Oh. And when Charlie kisses you goodbye on the walkway could you ask him not to lock his ankles behind your head in full view of the entire building. It’s sending all my closet cases into fits again.”

Colby blushed. “He’s just being affectionate.”

“Bullshit. He’s showing off and marking his territory.”

Colby laughed. “I’ll ask him to keep the showing off to the math. But no promises.”

“Ok. Good luck.”

“I think I’ve already got that, Doc. I think my luck is very, very good.”

 

 

 

_ONLY themselves understand themselves, and the like of themselves,  
As Souls only understand Souls_

_\- Perfections, Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman_

   
_The End_


End file.
